Jets/Cowboys/Browns Schadenfreude Showdown! (Mailbag Pt 1)

Fixing the Cowboys, rubbernecking at the Jets, reappraising the Browns, explicating Bryce Young and much more!

You asked so many interesting, detailed questions that Mailbag will be split into three parts this week! Doing so also makes editing and promoting each part a little easier.

This is Part 1: questions about bad teams. Part 2 will answer questions about decent-to-great teams. Part 3 will answer deep, theoretical questions. Part 3 will also be paywalled, but I am guessing most of the folks who asked questions are premium subscribers anyway.

As Russell Wilson might once have said: Let’s ride.

First the serious one: What is wrong with the Cowboys? They appear to not be able to do ANYTHING.

Also, as a Bears fan, how much alcohol is enough to make me forget the end of that game? – Alvaro

For the Bears game, switch to a moderate amount of cannabis and you may be able to appreciate the Mini-Fridge Fumble and the Hail Noah on a more philosophical/absurdist level.

For the Cowboys: they purposely weakened their roster in the offseason, then suffered a few major injuries. That’s the whole story, really: when you let several starters on both lines, a cornerback, a running back and others leave without replacing them, then lose contributors like Micah Parsons, Tank Lawrence and Brandin Cooks, this is what it looks like.

We wrote tens of thousands of words on the Cowboys in the offseason, and they all boiled down to Jerrah has made his team worse on purpose. 

Assume pigs were to fly and the Jones Family were to step aside. How would you (or a real GM) rebuild the Cowboys roster, given what they have now and the existing contract obligations? – Charles Brown

If I were to buy the Cowboys, I would:

1. Cancel all “talk to the owner” radio shows and media appearances. I would give one press conference per year. The head coach and GM would speak for the team.

2. Eliminate the “clubhouse tours,” remove the creepy two-way mirrors from the weight room, and give players back their dignity and privacy.

3. Extend Micah Parsons. Yes, the money is there. The Cowboys are really only paying Dak Prescott, CeeDee Lamb and Trevon Diggs beyond this year.

4. Fire Mike McCarthy and replace him with someone who is not a self-promoter who lied in his job interview.

5. Enlist the input of Prescott in the new head coaching search. Prescott is a level-headed individual and I want him as invested as possible in his own success.

6. I would NOT gut the personnel department, because they do a fine job of finding talent. But I would make sure the whole system is professionalized and all voices are heard. Everything in Dallas is currently filtered through the prism of what Jerrah likes, which is fine when that is a Lamb or Parsons-level prospect but isn’t the best way to find late-round picks or bargain free agents.

I think the Cowboys could turn things around quickly if they start acting like a football franchise instead of a tipsy old codger’s billion-dollar fidget spinner. After all, this is a team that won 36 games in three years with a leadership structure better suited to running the kind of rib joint where the waitresses are forced to wear hotpants.

Have we ever seen anything like this Bryce Young situation? He sure seemed to be the consensus best QB in the draft, despite what revisionists are saying now. I was in Houston at that time, and there seemed to be little doubt that the Texans preferred him.

So, basically, how did this happen? A consensus first overall pick without extenuating circumstances (like JaMarcus Russell had) who looks like he just can’t play? He doesn’t even look like he has the potential to be a serviceable backup. Do you think that the S2 test has something to do with it? – Sheepnado 

Young is too small to play quarterback in the NFL. He is smaller and frailer than Russell Wilson and Kyler Murray, the two most comparable successful quarterbacks to Young. He is also not nearly as fast as Murray or the young Wilson, and his arm is not as good. He simply fails to meet or barely meets the minimum NFL thresholds in every physical category of note.

Young’s extreme smolness was hand-waved away before the draft, largely due to his success at Alabama and many testimonials about his leadership, preparation, instincts and intelligence. Bill O’Brien was a vocal character witness. There were many others. Young, with the guidance of his V-22 Osprey parents, began networking in NFL circles when he was in high school. He got involved with the Madden Academy. Everyone told everyone in the NFL sewing circle that Young had A+++ intangibles. I heard it too when making the Combine rounds. The S2 test was more of a garnish on this platter than the entree. 

I was worried about Young’s teensyness before the draft but believed the hand-waving, which came from people I trusted. I’m guessing other bright people made the same error. The Texans indeed lurved Young, which spurred the Bears-Panthers trade. Nick Caserio trusted the O’Brien/Alabama endorsements. Cal McNair probably thought Young was a vintage G.I. Joe action figure.

I have given variations on this explanation many times over the last few months. I get the impression many folks find it unsatisfactory. It cannot be as simple as the NFL hivemind talking itself into an itsy-bitsy quarterback because some GMs met him in 11th grade, can it?

It can be, and it is. The NFL is a gossipy coffee klatch governed by groupthink. They make mistakes en masse, like a school of fish swimming straight into a net.

I think of Young as a reverse Ryan Leaf: instead of falling in love with the arm and ignoring the screaming immaturity, the NFL fell in love with the maturity and ignored the inseam.

As a quarterback, I now think of Young as Seneca Wallace. He could learn to carve out a niche as a pesky rah-rah backup.

How has Doug Pederson stuck around this long? – Matthew

Pederson arrived in Jacksonville in 2022 and led the Jaguars from last place/laughingstock status to a playoff victory. The Jaguars were 8-3 last November. They have been in freefall ever since, but last year’s collapse appeared to be largely the result of injuries, and they still finished 9-8, which is like 12-5 in Jaguars terms. They have been an objectively bad team for about nine weeks. 

The Eagles won the Super Bowl in 2017, then won a playoff game in 2018, then reached the playoffs in 2019. Pederson was fired after the 2020 season. 

So the question is, why wouldn’t Doug Pederson have stuck around “this long?” Oh, I think he should be replaced, too. But how quick do fans expect the hook for a head coach to be these days?

I was on Vancouver radio on Monday. The hosts asked me if it was time to worry about Mike McDonald, a rookie head coach whose team is currently in first place. I’ve appeared on that radio show for years; the hosts don’t sensationalize things. But the Fire the Coach feedback loop between fans and the media has gotten out of control. It’s one thing for fans to grumble “fire that dips**t” into their whiskey when a team drops from 10-1 to 10-4 (to use a local, recent example). It’s another thing for bloggers/hosts/podcasters to echo such reasoning back to their listeners and each other until hey, maybe the Bills should fire Sean McDermott sounds like a logical opinion.

Again, this is not an endorsement of Pederson. I just find why the hell does the guy with five winning seasons and a Super Bowl ring in the last six years still have a job to be a rather strange way to look at the situation.

The Rich Kotite Memorial Worst Coach Of The Year award committee needs your help compiling its watchlist/shortlist of candidates at the halfway point. Any analysis you give will be considered, but no decisions will be made until the season is over. - Kit Wren

Pederson is the frontrunner due to bad situational play-calling, the Jaguars’ lack of precision and his recent blather about “team culture.” Brian Daboll is second for some dubious play-calling of his own and costing the Giants one game for not activating the practice-squad kicker when Graham Gano got hurt 36 hours before kickoff.

Shouldn’t it be the Joe Kuharich memorial award instead? - Nicholas

It should be the Urban Meyer award.

Who has more job security as a coach: Someone like Kevin O'Connell who hasn't really won anything but has overachieved with Sam Darnold, or someone like Kyle Shanahan who has delivered good results overall (two/three Super Bowl appearances) but is underachieving relative to expectations? – Kristoffer Coffman

It’s actually about equal. Both coaches would probably get one full “bad” year from management before facing any serious job insecurity. 

The difference is one of fan perception, and it goes back to the Doug Pederson discussion. Both of the Coaching Kevins get to skate by as plucky underdogs and victims of circumstance in a way that Shanahan or Nick Sirianni cannot. No one is going to call for O’Connell’s head on a podcast if the Vikings finish 9-8. If the 49ers finish 9-8, Fire Shanahan will be a popular midday yakking point. But that won’t make it a reality.  

What teams have you personally (not necessarily professionally) enjoyed watching so far this season? What games, if any, do you feel deserve the moniker of "instant classic"? How satisfying has it been to watch the Jets self-immolation? – Andrew

The Jets’ self-immolation has been delightful! More on that in a few moments.

It’s been fun watching the Lions methodically steamroll opponents. The Falcons are surprisingly easy on the eyes: their offense is well constructed, their defense keeps opponents in the game, and their fourth quarters are often dramatic. The Commanders are a lot of fun. The Bills usually hold up their end of the bargain against good opponents and put on a little thrill show against bad ones.

The hardest good team to watch right now is the Texans: sputter, sputter, penalty, sputter, sputter, penalty, hooray we beat someone. 

I don’t know about any “instant classics,” but Lions-Vikings was a quietly epic little early game in Week 7. Some of this year’s most exciting games have been buried on regional broadcasts so the television networks can show us more Jets.

Who will put out the dumpster fire that is the NY Jets? (Jets fan since 1982) – GS

Someone with the desire and competence to do so. In other words, no one on the current org chart.

How much did the Jets screw up their future going all-in on Rodgers? They have a $63 million cap hit in 2026. That doesn't sound good. – saenyc

Rodgers has a confusingly-structured contract with a $35-million option bonus that kicks in next year. I think that bonus is not guaranteed, and it is included in the $63-million figure you mention. So if the Jets cut Rodgers or he retires at the end of this season, his cap figure is closer to $49 million, which could then be spread across two seasons.

The Jets will also be spending $76 million in Davante Adams in his age 33 and 34 seasons. Adams will probably pine to be reunited with Derek Carr again the moment Rodgers leaves.

Of course, Rodgers could announce that he is not retiring and double-dog dare the Jets to cut him. Woody Johnson would almost certainly blink if that happens.

I've been a Jets fan since the days of Joe Namath. Last year, certain that the offensive line would be unable to keep Aaron Rodgers healthy, I bet the under. This year, I didn't bet it but I'm finding hate-rooting against the Jets weirdly satisfying. Is this something unique to being a Jets fan, to having late-career Rodgers as your quarterback, or a general reaction to the state of the world? – Jeff Neuman

I think hate-rooting against your favorite team is almost exclusively a New York/Philly thing. We’re raised in a casually antagonistic culture. We watched our dads and uncles (not to be paternalistic, but there weren’t many women watching sports in the olden times) razz the Eagles/Giants/Jets, and each other, and us, and we picked up the habit. It’s hyper-criticism as a form of tough love. As someone with an educational background, I would not recommend it as a parenting tool. But a football team is a safe outlet for an urge to tell someone we love that they are a disgraceful embarrassment and that we hope failure teaches them a harsh lesson.

Don't we need something like a Schadenfreude Scale or Karma Codex for the NFL? Regardless of rooting interest, teams like the Jets (Rodgers and his narcissistic hubris) and Browns (obvious) would score high, whereas the more well-built, well-coached, well-run teams like the Lions would score low. Your thoughts? - Jake

I would no sooner try to quantify schadenfreude than try to quantify pornography. Heck, I don’t even want to spell schadenfreude. I am copy-pasting it from your question!

Compartmentalizing Descuzzball into a separate, qualitatively-different category, It’s fun to root against someone who: a) has enjoyed too much success; and b) has set themselves up as some sort of buffoon. This goes back to art forms like commedia dell'arte, Kabuki theatre and even Greek comedy, classical art forms which feature comic villains who are wealthy/privileged nitwits. Every preening wrasslin’ heel who flaunts wealth/success/good looks but then cowers at the hero’s fist is part of a tradition that dates back millennia. And so is Rodgers! 

Rodgers set himself up as a Scaramouche with his antivax fandango and other antics. But fans often create their own heels out of teams/quarterbacks who have been too successful for too long. Hence Tom Brady as the cheater with the plastic personality, or the caricature the Cowboys have leaned into for decades.

The Chiefs have so far confounded all efforts to be recast as comic buffoons due to Patrick Mahomes’ likeability and their close proximity to a certain unassailable music superstar. Chiefs haters have the raw material to build a partisan political case against them, but Schadenfreude springs from a certain timeless delusional cluelessness, not specific political ideologies. 

Do you think the Browns moving play calling to Ken Dorsey is net positive? I have been working under the assumption that having him as the OC is part of the Browns’ offensive woes. Dorsey certainly struggled in Buffalo. Yes, they beat Baltimore but so did the Raiders. – Chris O.

I can’t make any proclamations about Dorsey after one game with a new/better quarterback. Kevin Stefanski was calling plays in standby/survival mode whenever Descuzzball was in the huddle over the last three years.

Dorsey does bring a reputation for YOLO ball with him from Buffalo, which could be a factor with mad bomber Jameis Winston under center.

The death of Jim Donovan - beloved 'Voice of the Cleveland Browns' (a call from above), benching of Watson (escape from at least one of Dante's rings), winless at home (fans starving for / deserving salvation) - where do these "stats" fit into the Brown win? How to explain the Bateman's sun-botch and Hamilton's bobble? Sometimes it comes down to "vibes" – Jojo

Sometimes it comes down to your backup quarterback being far better than your starter, your opponent getting stuffed near the goal line, a missed field goal, a dropped game-winning interception and a 2-of-10 third-down conversion rate allowed. If those are vibes, then everything is! 

Countertorque also asked about the Browns upset of the Ravens. I took the Browns +7.5 all the way to the bank. Teams often play better in their backups’ first start. This particular backup, replacing that particular starter, was an absolute layup.

How are you feeling about Twitter these days? I have never had an account. Everyone seemed to agree it was going to die for awhile, but I can't read anything about the NFL without clicking on a Twitter link. So, it's going to stick around I guess? – countertorque

TwiXter is a cesspool of misguided avarice and blatant misinformation. I am strictly talking about NFL TwiXter, not anything else TwiXter.

Two years ago, I could search Twitter for an injury on Sunday evening, on tight deadline, and easily get accurate information from local reporters and national insiders: quotes from the coach, an official “Team fears ACL tear” report from Adam Schefter, links to articles from reputable outlets explaining when and how the injury happened, and more. 

On Tuesday morning, I searched for “Stefon Diggs” on TwiXter and found:

• Various “doctors” with blue check marks diagnosing Diggs’ injury based on Sunday’s television footage.

• “Hilarious” dudebros from the stool sample site making “deez nuts” jokes from last week.

• A clip of Pat McAfee spitballing with Schefty from his Monday show.

• Several randos with check marks reacting to McAfee.

• Some nobody with 1,900 followers making an inscrutible “fat guy” joke with a meme.

• Some “fantasy bots” posting memes with 36-hour old information like “Stefon Diggs and Jordan Love are hurt.”

• A Trey Wingo post from 2021. 

• Various podcasters announcing “We’ll talk Stefon Diggs/Aaron Rodgers/Buzzy McClickbait on Monday’s show!”

Ian Rapoport was in the middle of that heap of Internet offal with a “no news yet” update. But I did NOT see a single member of the Texans local media among the top 30 results. These are people I have followed for years and know personally. They are either no longer there or being drowned out by idiots on the algorithm.

If you still use TwiXter for NFL news, you owe it to yourself to stop: there are fake experts everywhere, cosplaying as real journalists, spreading make-believe rumors because they get a trickle of revenue from the engagement. I still use it for the Burn This Play videos because they are easy to find, but I am trying to wean myself from that.

I now use Threads for most of my football-related posts and conversation. There are a bunch of beat writers and national analysts posting there. It’s not vintage 2010s Twitter by any means, but at least you are less likely to be lied to by posers and bots.

Tomorrow: Answers to Ravens, Bengals, Seahawks and Commanders questions. And more!

Friday: Answers to "How to Build a Team” and Hall of Fame-type questions!