Bandied Alexander
If a Packers cornerback falls in the wilderness, does everyone hear it?
Jaire Alexander inhabits a liminal space between the real and the imaginary. He devours money and generates headlines but is rarely seen or heard. Packers coaches speak of him the way medieval peasants speak of mysterious woodland spirits, or the way they used to speak of Aaron Rodgers, or the way Rodgers speaks about general topics. Alexander spent the winter and early spring both on the Packers roster and not in their plans. This is what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle looks like when applied to a cornerback instead of a subatomic particle.
The preceding paragraph was written for the Packers Unit Comments section of Aaron Schatz’s FTN Football Almanac (Pre-order now!) but excised for obvious reasons. Nothing gets thrown away during the lean times of June, folks.
The Packers finally released Alexander last week after four months of mutual silent treatment and four years of injuries dotted with occasional on-field appearances. Alexander’s arrival on the open market sparked the usual response among my colleagues. Alexander counts, barely, as a “big-name free agent.” The Internet Rules of Engagement dictated that reporters/bloggers/podcasters/soothsayers covering all 31 other franchises were obligated to speculate about whether Alexander, who has one healthy/productive season since 2021, would be a “good fit” for [insert home team here].
Such articles usually follow a strict boilerplate. First, several throat-clearing paragraphs containing as many searchable keywords as possible. Then a recounting of Alexander’s Pro Football Reference stats: two interceptions last year, seven passes defensed. Then, usually, his Pro Football Focus ranking – 19th among cornerbacks who played at least 20% of their teams’ snaps! – quoted like the King James Bible. More on that later.
The local reporter then recounts the current state of the home team’s secondary; it could be the Legion of Boom and the article would still need to be published. (Alexander could provide depth!) Maybe, if the analyst is thorough, there might be some superficial salary cap observations. Finally, a verdict on whether Home Team should or should not pursue Big Name. That verdict may or may not reflect the author’s actual opinion. The goal is to get your brother-in-law to hit the share button on Facebook, then pivot back to stories which actually involve the home team.
I’m not faulting my colleagues, mind you, but the system, which forces Bengals reporters to suddenly care about a forever-injured, perpetually-disgruntled former Packers cornerback.
Yes, Bengals reporters were obligated to weigh in on Alexander. Here’s an example. The Bengals just released linebacker and team captain Germaine Pratt. They’ve gone full Judge Smails on Trey Hendrickson’s contract extension. First-round pick Shemar Stewart is already firing salvos at the Bengals over his rookie contract like it’s 1988 or something. Obviously, a team that claims to lack two nickels to rub together for their heart-and-soul defensive veterans and top draft picks should absolutely splurge on a cornerback who has scheduled his first month-long pulled groin for Week 3!
Perhaps the Dolphins would be a more logical landing spot. They need to replace Jalen Ramsey for, umm, reasons. He’s too expensive? He’s now more of a Pro Bowl alternate than All Pro? The Dolphins are spiraling into one of their self-loathing masochistic phases? If the latter is true, they definitely want to replace Ramsey with the most expensive and risky mild-to-moderate downgrade possible.