Every Team's Unofficial August Depth Chart

The hotshot rookie is listed as QB2. Is that a reason to panic. Of course not! But it's OK to panic anyway.

Your favorite team just published its unofficial depth chart sometime over the last two days. This document is a mere formality, a morsel of information grudgingly offered to the media which is sometimes used to send messages to lollygagging players that their jobs are not 100% safe. Your trusty local beat writer posts the depth chart on social media, cautions readers that it is unofficial and essentially meaningless, and then (under editorial orders) writes 1,500 words of “reactions” to any “surprises” on it.

It’s hard to keep track of all of this indispensable quasi-information for both your team and their hated divisional rivals, plus the top contenders and whatever team has a running back you think might be a fantasy sleeper. But don’t despair! Too Deep Zone has assembled an unofficial preseason depth chart for all 32 teams.

Quarterbacks

QB1: The journeyman stopgap. If your team has an established starter, you probably don’t even glance at the unofficial preseason depth chart in the first place.

QB2: The hotshot rookie. Coaches are sending an important message by listing him second. That message is “We are committed to going through the motions.”

QB3: The career third stringer who will become an offensive coordinator as soon as his stubblebeard fills out.

QB4: Gordon Gadiddleplonkers, a 25-year old UDFA who was recruited by Illinois, portalled to Eastern Michigan, tore an ACL, portalled to Floribama Southern, lost his starting job to a future zydeco washboardist, portalled to University of Sothern North Dakota at Hoople and threw 26 touchdowns at the Division VI level against 19-year old seminarians last year. At least one attention-starved local beat writer insists he has a chance at the QB2 role based on his 7-on-7 drills in rookie camp.

Running Backs

RB1: The veteran you will draft in fantasy.

RB2: The former rushing champion who signed a $50-million contract entering the 2020 season and has played for three teams since.

RB3: The sixth-round pick who will lead the team in rushing this year.

RB4: The versatile guy who keeps making the roster because he hustles on special teams and is kinda-sorta-useful on third downs. Will make the roster over RB2. Earns league minimum.

RB5: The 180-pound third-round pick from last year who was a “human joystick” in college. You know that joysticks are flimsy chunks of plastic that break easily, right?

RB6: The UDFA who will rush for 275 yards and three touchdowns in the preseason, get cut and never be seen again.

FB1: The special teams stalwart who sees six offensive snaps per month.

Wide Receivers

WR1: The guy who is either holding out for more money right now or will be complaining about his contract, his offensive role or the fact that an assistant athletic trainer looked at him the wrong way by November.

WR1: The less-productive, less-annoying guy. Yes, there are two WR1’s. This isn’t fantasy football! The Dolphins don’t tell Tyreek Hill he’s “#1” and Jaylen Waddle he’s “#2.” These goofballs are hard enough to deal with.

WR2: The top draft pick. He ventured over the middle for the first time in his football career in rookie camp, got lost, and had to ask a groundskeeper for directions back to the huddle.

WR2: Mister Reliable Slot Third Down Guy.

WR3: Former Mister Reliable Slot Third Down Guy from 2018 who is somehow still kicking around the NFL. Played for the new offensive coordinator at his last stop. Will catch 12 passes against scrubeenies in the preseason as a desperate effort to “showcase” him before cutting him.

WR3: The second-round pick from 2022 who hopes to be transformed by the new kickoff rules into a “weapon.” Will bounce a kickoff off his facemask in the second preseason game.

WR4: Boutros Boutros-Claypool.

WR4: The seventh-round pick who is “turning heads” and “cannot be covered.” He will catch 31 regular-season passes over the next three years.

WR5: The tall UDFA.

WR5: The quick UDFA.

Tight Ends

TE1: The fan favorite. A matchup nightmare. Loves the WWE. Will spend 11 weeks on the IR this year.

TE2: The guy who blocks who has been on the roster for six years.

TE3: The other guy who blocks who has been on the roster for five years. Will get cut but re-sign when TE1 is hurt.

TE4: The former high school quarterback or small forward who your team drafted in the fifth round out of a meh-major conference in 2022. Your previous coach’s pet project. Blocks like he’s carrying a bushel of eggs. Will get cut.

TE5: The former high school quarterback or small forward who your team drafted in the fifth round out of the Middle of Nowhere Conference in 2024. Your current coach’s pet project. Blocks like he is carrying a newborn in each arm. Will be TE4.

Offensive Line

LT1: He’s day-to-day with a groin injury right now. It’s nothing to worry about. Seriously. Such injuries only linger until they swallow up the season and career of a 330-pound athlete about 46% of the time.

LT2: A 6-foot-7, 320-pound 25-year old mid-round pick from BYU who spent two years on a Mormon mission in Madripoor.

LT3: An undrafted free agent with many o’s in his name. 

LG1: Has been on your team eight years and been named to three Pro Bowls. When he gets hurt in Week 6, everyone from your local sportstalk doomsayer to the guy next to you at the bar will shrug and say, “no biggie.” Your quarterback will get sacked six times the next week.

LG2: A late-round pick from 2023 whom you could not name if Batman were dangling you off the side of Gotham Bridge. 

C1: Looks like the guy who pushes the hand truck around your local liquor store. Is absolutely indispensable.

C2: A sculpted 310-pound hunk of corn-fed titanium who started for three years in the B1G and shouts “SIR! YES SIR!” when addressed by his position coach. Will be moved to left guard.

RG1: Just a guy. C’mon. how many guard jokes do you think I have?

RG2: Was drafted in the first round as a left tackle in 2022. The move to guard is supposed to revitalize his career. Looks like it’s going swell.

RT1: Either a “road grader,” a “piledriver,” a “dive-bar bouncer” or a “guy who is quietly seething because he’s making one-third as much as the left tackle.” Possibly two or three of those things.

RT2: A 33-year old veteran who started a few games for the Panthers in 2021. If your team is the Panthers, then this guy started a few games for the Raiders in 2021. Also unofficially the backup at left tackle and both guard spots. Extremely important. Signed as an afterthought in June.

RT3: An undrafted free agent who had 43 knee surgeries in college. Looks the part. 

Defensive Line

RDE1: An absolute terror who recorded a dozen sacks last year and who you really/truly/deeply hope doesn’t make any political remarks over the next three months, because you really want to like him.

RDE2: A perennial All-Pro from the 2010’s now chasing rings and alimony payments. Loves to give “leadership” speeches. Will only take the field on third-and-44 in the regular season.

RDE3: The toolsy second-round pick from 2023. Has bulked up from 240 to 255 pounds in the offseason in the hope of making more of an impact. 

RDT1: A nasty three-tech penetrator with an explosive first-step and elite disruptive capability. Makes you wonder why your team only recorded 26 sacks last year, doesn’t it?

RDT2: Got kicked out of one SEC program for telling his coach to suck a lemon and a second one for falling from a third-floor balcony into a hot tub after eating a bowl of sativa gummies soaked in Monster Energy drink the night before the Belk Bowl. Finished his college career with 15 sacks for the Mississippi College of Optometry. Is challenging his college roommate to a drag race on the freeway as you read this.

LDT1: He signed a $96-million contract last year, and you were like, “Good! He’s worth every penny,” even though he records 1.5 tackles per game and a half sack per month. Because, you know, he occupies double teams or something.

LDT2: Reported to camp at 388 pounds and puked after walking up the stairs to team headquarters.

LDT3: A giant sack of Russet potatoes.

LDE1: Doesn’t record many sacks but plays the run well, minds his assignments and is a valuable presence in the locker room. Your team has been trying to replace him for six years.

LDE2: The toolsy second-round pick from 2021. Has slimmed down from 255 to 240 pounds in the hope of making more of an impact.

LDE3: Lovable small-school UDFA who is always clapping and cheering during practice. Awww. It’s gonna be such a shame when he gets cut and immediately forgotten about. 

Linebackers

LB1: The fast one.

LB1: The smart one.

LB1: The big one who is not really a starter, but the 4-3 depth chart template was designed on WordPerfect for DOS in 1992, and no one knows how to change it.

LB2: That “positionless defender” the Cardinals drafted in the first round in 2019 who turned out to be a hybrid between a slow safety and a small edge rusher. He is now playing for his fourth team.

LB2: Special teams captain.

LB2: Hard-nosed mid-round rookie. Three-year team captain in the B1G. Can cover the TE3, sometimes. Future special teams captain, unless he plays for the Chargers, in which case he will be legally adopted into the Harbaugh family.

LB3: Last year’s compensatory pick. Will bulk up from 225 to 240 pounds and move to defensive end next year to try to make more of an impact. 

LB3: I know I already did the “positionless defender” gag, but I just noticed that Tanner Muse was listed as a fourth-string linebacker on the Jaguars’ Ourlads depth chart. Remember when Mike Mayock drafted Muse out of Clemson because Mayock was obsessed with prospects from Clemson? I’m cursed to remember things like that.

Defensive Backs

CB1: Successful Cornerback From Twenty Years Ago Junior. Don’t you now feel older than Methusaleh?

CB1: A veteran journeyman who bounces from team to team and always follows one good year with one bad year. Like, Ronald Darby or whoever.

CB2: Last year’s first-round pick. Tall. Fast. Could get burnt by the October sunshine at a brews-’n’-food-trucks festival.

CB2: The pesky nickel cornerback who looks like an All-Pro in the slot but would melt like a candybar on a dashboard if forced to play outside.

CB3: The really tall “matchup” guy with the lateral agility of a dump truck. Will move to safety next year.

CB3: This year’s mid-round pick from a major program. He intercepted the backup quarterback in a 7-on-7 drill last week, which is why thirsty beat reporters think the backup’s job is in jeopardy. 

CB4: The lanky UDFA.

CB4: The tiny UDFA.

SAF1: An indispensable, versatile tone-setter and leader. Will be released next offseason at age 28 in a cap-saving move.

SAF1: The former indispensable, versatile tone-setter and leader who your team signed to a one-year contract at the end of OTAs after he was cut by the Broncos or Bills in a cap-saving move.

SAF2: The former tall “matchup guy” cornerback. 

SAF2: The future LB4 or LE3 for some other team. 

SAF3: The late-round collegiate “big hitter” who will commit one roughness penalty and whiff on two dive-stick tackles per game if forced to play in the regular season. 

SAF3: The late-round collegiate “coverage guy” who, despite lining up 20 yards deep, will get set ablaze by Tyreek Hill on a double move if forced to play in the regular season.

Special Teams

K1: The shaky veteran.

K2: The sixth-round pick who shanked an extra point off the head coach’s Ford F250 in practice last week.

P1: He actually ranks sixth on the all-time net yards per punt list. Seriously, check it out! Sure, the list is skewed because teams rarely pooch punt beyond midfield anymore, but maybe we should stop and appreciate what a great job this guy is doing now and then. No? Never mind then.

LS: The unsung hero of the … oh, never mind.  

Site Announcements

Matt Lombardo and I are launching a new podcast called Between the Hashmarks next Monday (August 12th)! Lombardo’s Substack will be the podcast’s home, because if I try to record and edit a podcast you would end up with three hours of buzzing noises and an image of the blank wall behind my desktop. The podcast will be free for the next few months and will feature a variety of guests. Come check it out!

Folks who cannot get enough of me in video/audio form can check out the Schatz & Tanier podcast, presented by FTN Fantasy, on YouTube. Aaron Schatz brings the DVOA analysis and weekly top picks. I bring that distinctive rejected-Sopranos-character charm.

I have no plans to host any live in-game chats here at the Too Deep Zone. Instead, I invite everyone to join the DVOA Discord hosted by Bryan Knowles. Lots of former Football Outsiders writers stop by now and then. You can often find me there during preseason night games and Thursday Night Football, and I am often at least semi-intoxicated. 

I plan to solicit questions for a Mailbag column after the second set of preseason games. Please do not ask any questions now, as I will probably forget them by then. Though if you do have a question I may just answer it in the comment thread. So go ahead and ask. Or wait. Anyway, the Too Deep Zone mailbag will be an every-few-weeks feature during the regular season, alternating with other features like Tank Watch (an update on a last place team), Stat Watch (self-explanatory) and perhaps something else with “Watch” in its title.

Finally, the All Time Top 5 QB series marches on with Captain America and the Good Time Cowboy on Friday. You can probably guess what team it’s about, based on the context clues. I promise to get to the Cowboys and Eagles before Labor Day but make no promises after that except to keep working on it!

Depth charts don’t look like this anymore, but they might as well!