Ice Station Allen and the Saquon Sleighride

The Bills outlast the Ravens. Saquon Barkley runs wild in the snow. The Chiefs complete their heel turn. And the Commanders ... wait, the COMMANDERS???

Jan 20, 2025

∙ Paid

You watched the games. You know who won. You know what happens next week:

Washington Commanders at Philadelphia Eagles, Sunday January 26th, 3:00 PM
Buffalo Bills at Kansas City Chiefs, Sunday January 26th, 6:30 PM

So let’s recap this weekend’s action as concisely as possible before focusing on what’s next for the NFL’s Final Four.

Buffalo Bills 27, Baltimore Ravens 25

The Bills put the chains on their tires, downshifted into four-wheel-drive mode and busted out the snowplow tactics on an icy night in upstate New York. The Ravens, meanwhile, spent the first half wrapped in a cozy blanket of “Can’t Win in the Playoffs” narratives: Lamar Jackson turnovers, poor execution in the red zone, an iffy pass-heavy early gameplan.

The Ravens figured out in the second half that handing off to Derrick Henry in frigid conditions against a spotty run defense was a good idea. But while Henry went ham, Jackson shook off his early mistakes to throw some heaters and the Ravens even managed to limit their penalties for once, there was one old foible they could not overcome: braincramps on two-point conversions. The Ravens failed on two of them, including one that could have tied the game with 1:33 to play. Henry touched the football on neither of them.

Josh Allen threw for just 127 yards but rushed for two touchdowns and distributed the ball to eight different receivers on an evening when avoiding turnovers was more prudent than taking risks.

Philadelphia Eagles 28, Los Angeles Rams 22

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor slow, nor gloom of night, nor a knee injury that limited Jalen Hurts’ mobility/pushability, nor a safety exacerbated by said injury, nor some missed extra points, nor any other mini-catastrophes could stop Saquon Barkley from gaining his appointed 205 rushing yards and two touchdowns.

Barkley’s second touchdown gave the Eagles a 28-15 with 4:36 to play in the fourth quarter. But Matthew Stafford — stymied all afternoon by Jalen Carter, Darius Slay, the wintry conditions and his playmakers’ inability to hold onto the ball in wintry conditions — needed just 1:48 to march 70 yards for a Colby Parkinson touchdown, then got the ball back before the two-minute warning. A third-and-2 hog-tying of Stafford by Carter deep in Eagles territory saved Philly fans from trying to reenact the Siege of Leningrad.

Washington Commanders 45, Detroit Lions 31

The first half was like playing NFL Blitz, watching a 1990s NBA All-Star Game, attending a fireworks display, living through a John Wick movie and freebasing Dune spice all at once. The second half, in its own way, was slightly weirder.

Ultimately, Jayden Daniels and the turbo-tempo Commanders offense proved too much for the depleted Lions defense, while Jared Goff (three first-half turnovers, two of them in scoring range, four total turnovers, one pick-6) turned saboteur when his team needed him most.

Kansas City Chiefs 23, Houston Texans 14

The Chiefs completed their transformation into pro-wrasslin’ heels by benefiting from sketchy officiating, taking soccer flops to provoke even sketchier officiating, delivering a devastating signature tag-team finishing move (Patrick Mahomes throwing a touchdown pass to Travis Kelce while plummeting to the canvas) and taking advantage of what looked at times like ball-on-a-string trickery.

The Texans played the Jabroni role well by panicking in front of the hostile crowd: missed field goals, missed extra points, blocked field goals and a fourth-and-10 conversion attempt which was as close as we will ever come (hopefully) to seeing a large group of adult men simultaneously wet their pants in public.

Final Four Rankings

Enough looking back at this weekend! Let’s look forward to next week’s conference championships by ranking the NFL’s Final Four in every category that matters and one or two which probably don’t.

Quarterback Rankings

Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs

He was, charitably, the third-best quarterback in the AFC in 2024. But we aren’t goldfish, folks: we remember last year. And the five years before that.

Josh Allen, Bills

He’s becoming this generation’s Donovan McNabb: a burly scrambler and reformed mad bomber with less-than-stellar receivers and a slightly goofy public persona who keeps slamming his head into the wall in the conference title game.

Jalen Hurts, Eagles

Great at passing along the sidelines, almost useless when throwing over the middle, sometimes dawdles his way into pressure but can make magic happen on the run. Wow, if Hurts and Jared Goff could be combined into one guy he would win a dozen Super Bowl rings!

The knee injury that turned Hurts into a gimpy grampy who took safeties and couldn’t cut it as a goal-line battering ram bears monitoring.

Jayden Daniels, Commanders

Ranking fourth among the Final Four quarterbacks as a rookie is a compliment, dear reader, not a criticism. If you rank him ahead of Hurts, your Recency and Novelty Biases need to get outside for some fresh air.

Backfield Rankings

Philadelphia Eagles

Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon Saquon.

Washington Commanders

Austin Ekeler started his career as an undrafted rookie and has spent eight seasons as a committee back who helped two young quarterbacks achieve Next Big Thing status by turning checkdowns/dumpoffs/screens into productive gains and occasional huge plays. Ekeler may not be the most underappreciated player in NFL history, but he may end his career as one of the most undercompensated.

Brian Robinson is the Knuckles to Ekeler’s Sonic. Jahmyr Gibbs and David Montgomery aren’t using those nicknames any more, so Ekeler and Robinson can borrow them until the offseason. Blame Jared Goff, fellas!

Buffalo Bills

James Cook and Ty Johnson are a solid thunder-and-lightning combo who contribute in the running and passing games, and you would not give them a second thought if they played for the Raiders.

Kansas City Chiefs

Each week, sometime early in the fourth quarter, Andy Reid remembers that Kareem Hunt and Isiah Pacheco exist. He gives one of them (Hunt, nowadays) a few carries, he generates some first downs to help munch the clock, and you wonder why the NFL’s Greatest Active Coach didn’t think of running the ball a little more often in the first half, when Mahomes was getting chased all over creation like Ms. Pacman.

Receiving Corps Rankings