Metaphysical Draft Needs 2025
The Chiefs need serenity. The Seahawks need clarity. The Lions need to stop edging at edge rusher. Discover your team's deepest, DEEPEST needs.
If you are gonna fail, fail spectacularly.
The Joe Schoen/Brian Daboll administration embraced that very wisdom (?) by building their Russell Wilson/Jameis Winston Free Agent Quarterback Stack of Doom last month. The 2025 New York Giants are going to explode no matter what, so why not produce a mushroom cloud that would make Christopher Nolan proud?
The Wilson/Winston Giants won’t be boring … Scratch that. They won’t be boring off the field, where a passive-aggressive we’re both too actualized to admit that we hate this controversy will simmer until both Wilson and Winston are injured, benched or dead. On the field, however, Wilson will stumble around flinging gopher balls while Winston continues to perform and speak like he’s rolling on MDMA.
And if the Giants draft Shedeur Sanders – Papa Prime dearly wants this to happen, which should make Schoen and Daboll nervous – it will be like that time your grandma let you mix all the ingredients in the kitchen just to learn what it smelled and tasted like. (Grandma wisely hid the bleach. John Mara will leave it on the counter marked “Yummy!”)
It’s not easy for a team to fill its metaphysical draft needs, but the Giants did so by trying to get high on the Wilson/Winston aspirin-and-Coke. The Giants need closure on the current era, not a quarterback prospect for Schoen and Daboll to use as a career life preserver. The quarterback tandem of Flaky and Whoopsie are Schoen and Daboll’s Butch and Sundance moment.
Go out guns a’blazin’, fellas. Just please go out.
Metaphysical draft needs are just like normal draft needs, but they are a trillion times more interesting and important because they are ephemeral and weird, not perfunctory and boring. Anyone can tell you that the Chiefs need offensive tackles and the Lions need an edge rusher. Only Too Deep Zone knows how to heal ailing franchises on a spiritual level.
(BAA stands for Best Available Athlete in the capsules below. Someone always asks.)
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys have already drafted! And they selected a ton of first and second-round picks!
Unfortunately, the Cowboys signed and traded for top picks from the last few years that no one else wanted: Kaiir Elam, Payton Turner, Kenneth Murray, Solomon Thomas, injury-case second-rounders like Javonte Williams and Parris Campbell, etc. It was as if someone who only has marginal power within the organization seized control of Jerrah’s phone and spent last month trying to prove that his old scouting takes were correct. (It was Stephen Jones, folks.)
If the Cowboys are now just a high-profile AAA affiliate and chop shop for totaled prospects, they might as well embrace their new identity by loading up on the square pegs and injury cases in this draft class. Grab Michigan CB Will Johnson, who will be an All Pro when he manages to stay healthy for a full season (which might be 2029). Add TCU gadget specialist Savion Williams to the wide receiver room: two KaVontae Turpins, no waiting. Then at quarterback, they can search far and wide for an even more absurd scouting mirage than Trey Lance … oops, they already traded for Joe Milton, the closing-time-on-dollar-drink-night version of Justin Fields. No notes!
Having watched Gunslinger Jerrah devolve into Inscrutable Jerrah, Cheapskate Jerrah and the current Life Alert Bracelet Commercial Jerrah, it’s pretty clear that Eccentric Collector of Unusual Players Jerrah would be an upgrade.
New York Giants
Read the Intro!
Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles opened up a lot of holes with the losses of Josh Sweat, Milton Williams, Darius Slay and others in free agency. They should not try to fill them.