The 2024 NFL Bulls**t Index
Featuring the Kelce Brothers, Aaron Rodgers, Sam Darnold, Genie Bouchard and Mama Rose but NOT Jerry Jones or the Cowboys. I swear!
The Dallas Cowboys did not crack the 2025 Offseason Bulls**t Index.
It’s not that the Cowboys no longer generate bulls**t. They remain hip deep in it. Jerry Jones becomes more quotably incomprehensible by the day. He’s starting to sound like one of those pull-the-string See ‘n’ Say toys. The sundowning billionaire says: gloooorrrrrrrrrrrrrry holllllllllle.
There’s already a Micah Parsons contract harangue brewing, made all the more ridiculous by Parsons’ repeated indications that he would happily work for tips. And Brian Schottenheimer brings intriguing anti-charisma to the formula. He’s so overshadowed by Jerrah and the team’s stronger personalities that he could actually disappear like Susan Richards, though with more of a Mole Man vibe.
Cowboys bulls**t, however, has gotten old. Its organic content has decomposed. It’s now essentially not-too-fertile topsoil. The Cowboys are uncomfortably funny, not laugh-out-loud funny. Trading Parsons for Cooper Kupp would be funny. Trading up to draft the entire Sanders family would be funny. But we can no longer pretend that the Cowboys will do either of those things. It’s more likely that they will forget the start date for free agency and lose KaVantae Turpin to the Commanders when they could simply have restricted-free-agent-tagged him. That’s not hilarious. That’s … come to think of it, maybe I shouldn’t have led with the Cowboys, either.
The Bulls**t Index is an annual tradition dating back roughly a decade. It used to be called The Nonsense Index at Bleacher Report and elsewhere. Then I realized I could cuss on Substack. Then I realized that it’s funnier to performatively bleep out cusswords over and over again than to cuss. (Arrested Development used this to great effect.) I wrote one this time last year, and I led with what a joke all the Saquon Barkley fuss was. Perhaps that’s a good omen for the Cowboys. Probably not.
So if the Cowboys did not make the list (merely the strategically-designed intro), who did? Let’s find out!
10. The Brothers Increasingly Grim
Travis Kelce did not propose to Taylor Swift after Super Bowl LIX. Perhaps he feared he would drop the ring. Or she would knock him to the turf and run off with Josh Sweat. The moment certainly wasn’t right: it would have been like asking someone to move in with you during your foreclosure sale.
Ryan Clark said after the Super Bowl that Kelce must now live with being a “diminished player.” Diminished? Swift ain’t Donald Fagen: she has no use for jazz chords, only major All Pros and minor celebrities. Neither the Chiefs nor Swift are likely to unceremoniously dump Kelce, but both will be hearing their closest friends suggest that he is starting to become a burdensome, unfashionable accessory in the weeks to come.
Jason Kelce, meanwhile, grows more and more exhausting as his playing career recedes into memory. He’s now Philly’s Lamest Spokesman – Gritty with a Dollar Shave Club makeover – and his bubbly uncle routine is starting to make him sound like a try-hard regular-Joe state senate candidate whose not-so-secret first order of business will be to slash the reduced-price kindergarten snack program. He’s also inevitably going to end up on The Masked Singer, where he will make Terry Bradshaw sound like Luciano Pavarotti.
Whenever the Kelce brothers activate their Wonder Beardo powers, they take the shape of sweatily unfunny commercials and the form of a podcast with all the spontaneity of one of the daytime talk shows that still run on major television networks: Carson Daly Talks to Publicists or Four Ladies Explain Kumbucha to the Elderly. Pat McAfee at least rattles cages. The Property Brothers remodel things. The Kelce Brothers synergize brand activations amid forced chuckles while basking in the reflected glory of Travis’ girlfriend and Jason’s former employer.
If the Kelces’ act has not worn thin for you yet, you are made of stronger stuff than I am. But keep in mind that this was written before Friday’s Eagles Super Bowl parade. There’s a chance that Jason will dress as Rocky, the Liberty Bell or the entire Always Sunny cast in an effort to shoehorn himself into a celebration that has nothing to do with him. We’ll have to call Nick Foles to escort him away. And then Travis will announce on the pod that he’s not yet ready to downsize to a more lifestyle-appropriate Kacey Musgraves.
9. Myles Garrett Trade Mutterings
Garrett is an incredible player. A Garrett trade, which will likely happen before the draft, will be high-impact NFL news. The bulls**t comes from the fact that Garrett trade speculation ranks so high on the offseason topic list. At least a dozen teams could pursue him. That will force content creators in a dozen media markets to write “Should the [Near Contenders] Trade for Myles Garrett?” articles that read like the pros-and-cons persuasive essays everyone is forced to write in ninth grade:
Prompt: Write a five-paragraph essay on whether the state should legalize marijuana.
Sample Response: “The state should legalize marijuana because the tax money could be used to fund the reduced-price kindergarten snack program. On the other hand, the state should not legalize marijuana because my mother gets really frisky when drinking THC seltzers and and watching The Bachelorette with my stepdad, and I’m supposed to pretend I don’t know what’s going on when they chase each other giggling up to their bedroom, which is right next to mine. Also, noise-cancelling headphones should be cheaper.”