Watching the Defectives

Walkthrough is back with the Ultimate Preseason Viewing Guide! Plus, a deep dive into Caleb Williams' contract demands.

(In an office in Lake Forest, Illinois)

RYAN POLES: Hey Caleb! Thanks for coming in. As you can see, this is a standard rookie first-overall-pick contract. Any licensed agent would assure you that there is nothing abnormal about it. Now if you would just sign …

CALEB WILLIAMS: I don’t need no stinkin’ agent, you boomer! I demand a no-franchise-tag clause.

POLES: I totally understand the request. No player likes the franchise tag. But it’s a right that management earned through collective bargaining, and of course we don’t relinquish it lightly. So we respectfully decline.

CALEB: [Theatrical sigh] Fine. Then I hereby declare myself an LLC. Thou shall not withhold taxes from my earnings, for I am an independent contractor, not an employee.

POLES: What? Um, listen: NFL players are team employees. That’s how the industry operates. We can’t change the whole structure because one newcomer wants to do things differently. So no.

CALEB: [Audible eye roll] Well, then I insist you classify my compensation as a no-interest tax-free loan.

POLES: Really? Listen Caleb: we know your dad’s acting as your business manager, and he probably has some wacky tax dodges he wants to try out. You are free to do so with your endorsement money. But … this payment model was fine for Tom Brady. It’s fine for Patrick Mahomes. Even Aaron Rodgers doesn’t try this goofy crap, and he thinks the IRS was infiltrated by space aliens. Perhaps just go with the flow a bit?

CALEB: You WOULD casually stifle my individuality in such a way, wouldn’t you? Alright then, you preening tool of the establishment: I am now a religion. My salary is therefore a donation.

POLES: No.

CALEB: Then I am a farm. My salary is a grain subsidy. Mooooooooo.

POLES: No.

CALEB: I am a sovereign nation. My bathtub is international waters. You pay me in tariffs.

POLES: No.

CALEB: You are SO unreasonable. But I will do you a favor and bind myself to an outmoded, unfair business model. Under protest.

POLES: Oh, happy day! And now Coach Eberflus has asked me to give you this schedule for training camp.

CALEB: Training camp? I propose instead that we switch to an asynchronous model with a discovery-learning approach to the playbook. If you disagree it’s because you are old and inflexible.

POLES: [head in hands] Now I understand why Jim Harbaugh loved J.J. McCarthy so much. 

The Preseason Watchability Index

Let’s not have a repeat of last year’s Steelers strangeness, shall we?

The Steelers dominated the 2023 preseason. Kenny Pickett and the starters looked unstoppable against the Buccaneers, Bills and Falcons, outscoring opponents 62-7 in three first halves.

Some folks overrated the Steelers as a result. And by “some folks,” I mean “me.” I wasn’t a Pickett true believer, but I thought the Steelers could win 11-12 games in 2023 with defense, offensive balance and Mike Tomlin’s knack for manufacturing close wins. In fact, they won 10 games with that formula, so I was not that wrong, though I felt dirty about it: bad process, decent result.

Pickett and the starters played a lot last August, with appearances in all three games. In hindsight, that should have sparked suspicion: the Steelers were selling fans and themselves on Pickett. Mike Tomlin is a master of message control – he made Antonio Brown’s August antics seem normal (or just invisible) for many years – and we only see what Tomlin wants us to see in preseason. 

I will be experimenting with still-life photographs this season.

Russell Wilson and Justin Fields are competing for the Steelers quarterback job right now. Wilson will win – Wilson has probably already won – but Tomlin will make a noble spectacle of the duel, granting both Wilson and Fields several preseason series with the first-team offense. The results may look like a trailer for a comedy that spoils the film’s only four funny jokes, but Steelers preseason games will still be a fun watch, at least compared to most preseason games, which feel like three-hour soundchecks for a concert that’s still a month away.

The Steelers rank second on the Too Deep Zone Preseason Watchability Index, a scientific breakdown of how much fun each team’s exhibition schedule will be for casual viewers on a scale from “Dear Lord, when will this end?” to “meh.”

Which team ranks first? You’ll have to slog through the whole list to find out, because that’s how the preseason works.

But before we proceed any further: this is Walkthrough. It’s my Monday morning NFL feature. It started as Mandatory Monday at Sports on Earth in 2012. Then it became Monday Morning Hangover and Monday Morning Digest at Bleacher Report. After briefly getting melted for SEO ingots, it reappeared as Walkthough at Football Outsiders, then at The Messenger. (The original Walkthrough and Too Deep Zone at FO from 2005-10 were Thursday features. If I am not tracking such things, who will?)

Walkthrough acts as a Monday Morning recap throughout the preseason, regular season and postseason. It focuses heavily on the weekend’s action: analysis, insight, jokes, context. It’s the tentpole of the Too Deep Zone coverage week. Moving forward, it will be for paid subscribers only. Free subscribers will still get access to my midweek features; end-of-week columns will likely alternate.

Anyway, here’s the button, then onto the Watchability Index.

32. Los Angeles Rams

The Rams are the worst preseason team to watch, hands down. Sean McVay doesn’t play any starters or major role players; in fact, he sometimes lets one of his Life Model Decoys coach the team.

Do you know how many receptions Puka Nacua had in the 2023 preseason? Three of them, all in the first preseason game. McVay confirmed that Puka was gonna play a major role, then bubble-wrapped him. I’d love to see Jared Verse and Braden Fiske in action on the Rams defensive front, but even major rookies are likely to serve as Gatorade tasters in Rams preseason games. (The fact that Rams cornerbacks were dropping like flies during the first week of camp won’t make McVay any more eager to play even his semi-regulars.)

Stetson Bennett rubbernecking feels a little unseemly at this point. The Rams’ late-game preseason quarterback will be Dresser Winn who, according to his photo at Ourlads, has no ears.  

31. Cincinnati Bengals

Zac Taylor does not play his starters in the preseason. He might not even let Joe Burrow step out of the safety of his car after what happened in the last two training camps (or at the barbershop, egads). Jake Browning was just effective enough last December to be boring this August: his job is safe, and he’s capable enough to throw checkdowns to backups until it’s time to punt. Other than a Saturday early game against Caleb Williams and the Bears, the Bengals will be highly skippable in August.

Fourth-string quarterback fans can check out Rocky Lombardi. That sounds like the name of a character in an anime about American football but is actually a 25-year old UDFA from Northern Illinois by way of Michigan State. It’s impossible to root against someone named Rocky Lombardi. Let’s hope Tommy DeVito’s mafioso cosplayer buddies don't try to whack him out of jealousy. It would look something like this:

30. New Orleans Saints

Jake Haener will be battling for the backup quarterback job with rookie Spencer Rattler while also battling skin cancer. I sincerely wish him the best, but I will probably choose to watch other preseason games, because every other Saints roster spot is occupied by a 33-year old who cannot be cut because his cap number is $25 million for 2027. 

29. Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks’ preseason is not only skippable – what position battles they face are only of interest to hardcore homers, and the team is destined to finish between 7-10 and 9-8 no matter what – but they face lots of skippable opponents. They play the Titans and Chargers on Saturdays at 7 PM eastern: East Coast fans with NFL+/streaming services will have other options; West Coast fans can go about their late-afternoon business. 

28. Arizona Cardinals

Marvin Harrison Jr.’s NFL debut will be worth a gander. Desmond Ridder should be a fine preseason quarterback: competent enough to not turn the offense into a three-and-out-fest, still prospect-like enough to keep tabs upon. Rookie running back Trey Benson will keep handoffs interesting. 

Cardinals preseason homercasts are docked seven billion watchability points due to longtime color commentator Ron Wolfley, who sounds like he’s impersonating Alex Jones impersonating Jesse Ventura. The Cardinals face the Broncos in a Sunday afternoon preseason finale which might be a must-watch (Sean Payton plans to name his starting quarterback on Columbus Day), and I beg the NFL Network to please, PLEASE air the Broncos home telecast so my wife doesn’t think I am watching a podcast about how airplane contrails cause male-pattern baldness. 

27. Baltimore Ravens

Their goofy preseason winning streak ended last year, and Lamar Jackson (sidelined as I write this with a fatigue-inducing ailment which is probably COVID, but the NFL is afraid to utter to dreaded C-word) doesn’t play in the preseason. Lots of young offensive linemen and mid-round picks on defense will be competing for starting jobs or important roles, but that doesn’t make for compelling viewing for non-Ravens fans.

The Ravens face Eagles and Falcons teams with interesting storylines. Otherwise, their preseason telecasts will focus mostly on Derrick Henry wandering the sideline in a baseball cap.

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

A veteran-heavy playoff also-ran whose first-round pick was a center? Zzzzz. Even the backup quarterback position is set with human melatonin tablet Kyle Trask in the role. 

Wake me in the fourth quarter, when undrafted rookie quarterback Zack Annexstad takes the field. Annexstad started at Minnesota as a freshman in 2018, then hurt his foot, then fell behind Tanner Morgan on the Gophers depth chart, finally portalling to Illinois State in 2022, where he played well at the FCS level, then hurt his foot, then played well, then hurt his knee. Here’s a hype video from the late-2010s to get you pumped:

His game has probably developed past the RPO-change-up stage since then. And how much worse than Trask or John Wolford can he really be?

25. Houston Texans

The Texans starting lineup is set and their bench is loaded with veterans. That means lots of Davis Mills and Case Keenum (yep: he’s still a player, not a coordinator) throwing to career hangers-on like Quintez Cephus (the rock on which they shall build their practice squad) and handing off to UDFA British Brooks (which sounds like the villain for Paddington III, but is actually a running back who had his moments in six seasons at North Carolina). 

The Texans do get the Bears in Thursday’s Hall of Fame game, then the Steelers, so we’ll get a look at them against more interesting exhibition opponents. After that: tune out until the season opener or until Stefon Diggs announces he is unhappy about something, whichever comes first.

24. Los Angeles Chargers

Jim Harbaugh used to play his starters in the preseason. A lot. Colin Kaepernick played in all four preseason games for Harbaugh’s 49ers in 2013 and 2014. Michael Crabtree, Vernon Davis and even Frank Gore played regularly in the first halves of exhibitions for those teams. Of course, starters played in the preseason much more often a decade ago, but Harbaugh is exactly the kind of stubborn throwback who would make playing in the preseason part of his “culture change,” especially after Brandon Staley shrink-wrapped his Chargers teams until opening day every year.

The Chargers rank this high, in other words, based on the possibility that we see some Justin Herbert throwing to his top receivers, such as they are. If Harbaugh updates his policies, however, we’re stuck with Easton Stick throwing to Cornelius Johnson while the telecast swoons over Harbaugh as he struts and poses on the sideline. If that’s the case, ignore this ranking and consult a doctor immediately if you are exposed to more than three seconds of Chargers preseason action. 

23. Green Bay Packers

Too many young players have gotten too good too fast over the last two years for the Packers to be all that entertaining in August. Marshawn Lloyd should be a fun watch: if he proves he can hold onto the ball, he will be the reason folks who draft Josh Jacobs in fantasy stop answering their text messages in November.

The Packers have a kicker battle brewing between Anders Carlson, who was terrible as a rookie and missed a crucial 41-yarder in the playoffs; and Greg Joseph, the guy who kicked all those game-winners for the 2022 Vikings. Sounds somewhat diverting, except that the competition will end the moment Matt LaFleur sees Carlson shank one in camp and starts making strangly hands.

22. New York Giants

Malik Nabers? Sure. Tyrone Tracy? Maybe. Drew Lock as a possible challenger to Daniel Jones? Excuse me while I take a purgative and retreat to the powder room for six hours. 

We got our maximum dosage of Giants offseason idiocy on Hard Knocks, where we learned that management sounds about as knowledgeable of its own roster as a bunch of semi-informed redditors. (For more: check out this SB Nation column on the Giants’ Hard Knocks appearance by Joseph Acosta, who I think is the older brother of friend-of-the-Zone J.P. Acosta.)

The Giants and Jets will face off in the former Snoopy Bowl on August 24th. More on that when we get to The Team That Distractions Built.

21. Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins appear committed to their Godzilla v. Kong fun-but-disposable formula of stomping delightfully on weaker teams but crashing to earth in the third act. That makes it hard to get too excited about their preseason. Shaq Barrett’s eve-of-camp retirement raises the stakes for rookie edge rushers Chop Robinson and Mohamed Kamara, and Tua Tagovailoa and the starters should make some brief cameos, but otherwise the Dolphins are light on compelling preseason storylines. 

Fourth-string quarterback fans can check out UDFA Gavin Hardison, who played five seasons at UTEP but is coming off Tommy John surgery. Hardison doesn’t look very enthusiastic in his official team photo. That’s the look of someone who just watched the film from last year’s Dolphins-Ravens game. 

20. Cleveland Browns

That queasy feeling upon hearing the name “Deshaun Watson” is slowly fading, and his (“alleged”) sexual assaults are far enough in the rearview mirror that television announcers won’t alternate between whitewashing his record and nervously sputtering over their words. Watson played in two preseason games last year and will certainly get a cameo this year, with the wild-and-wacky (and also slightly queasy) Jameis Winston seeing extensive relief work so the Browns are ready if Watson extends his golly gee I’m still a little rusty tour for a third year.

Like it or not, the status of the Browns quarterbacks is relevant to the Super Bowl race, making the Browns a somewhat important preseason watch. But no judgment if you continue to abstain. 

19. Tennessee Titans

As I have carped about elsewhere, the Titans have larded their roster with meh-tier veterans like Calvin Ridley, Tyler Boyd and Tony Pollard. (Ridley’s awesome-to-WTF play style, like the hypothetically comfortable person with one hand in an ice bucket and one over a flame, averages out to meh-tier.) Brian Callahan is a Sean McVay clone-of-a-clone, so none of these veterans will play in August. Even Will Levis will likely remain in the skunkworks, save perhaps for a series or two.

That leaves the Mason Rudolph-versus-Malik Willis backup quarterback battle, aka Willis’ Last Stand, aka Willis’ Last Three-to-Six Fumbles Before the UFL. Oh, I loved Willis coming out of college, and I enjoy watching the Willis stans rush to the socials to defend their ancient draft takes, but he never earned the trust of the general manager and coach who drafted him and barely waved as Levis (and Josh Dobbs at one point) zoomed past him on the depth chart. Willis will make a few thrilling big plays against 49ers and Seahawks fourth-stringers, commit three gruesome turnovers and headline the Titans cut list come September.

18. Jacksonville Jaguars

Trevor Lawrence and the Jaguars starters played in the first and third preseason games last year. That means we should get a peek at this retooled, erstwhile team-on-the-rise, including first-round receiver Brian Thomas, as it tries to shake off last year’s collapse. After the starters comes the Mac Jones reclamation effort, which might be of interest to those who talked themselves into believing that Jones was actually a franchise-caliber quarterback in 2021. 

If the Jaguars look disorganized and sloppy in the preseason, just remember that it’s all a rehearsal, and there’s only a 75% chance that it's a systemic problem which will carry over to the regular season and dash the team’s hopes and dreams. 

17. New York Jets

Aaron Rodgers played in the final Jets preseason game last year and will probably play in one of them this year: most likely the nationally-televised Jets-Giants game on August 24th. Yes, you’ll want to see how he’s looking, probably with the sound turned off to avoid the icepick-to-the-temple analysis of the broadcast team.

When Rodgers is not on the field, preseason Jets telecasts will just follow him around the sidelines like a golden retriever watching a toddler holding a hamburger while the announcers offer their best spin on his leadership/likeability/normalcy. If you aren’t up for that, everything Rodgers does on the field in the preseason will be easy to find on social networks. 

16. Las Vegas Raiders

The Raiders are essentially under a training camp news blackout. They’re holding camp in the Los Angeles area, but they are not allowed to invite fans or the L.A. media, because they are infringing on the Rams/Chargers home market. (The Cowboys are exempt from the rule because they were practicing in Thousand Oaks before the Rams or Chargers arrived.) Las Vegas reporters, all three of them, can cover Raiders practices, but even great beat reporters can be stretched mighty thin when there are not many of them.

Anyway, if you want to track the thrilling Gardner Minshew/Aidan O’Connell competition or get caught up on Brock Bowers, preseason telecasts may be your only option.

Two Raiders preseason games kick off at 10 PM Eastern (7 PM in Vegas) this year. There aren’t many late preseason kickoffs this August, which I welcome: I tend to pop a gummy just after dinner and drink steadily throughout the early games, and by about 10:30 Philly time my observations become a little fuzzy. The intoxicants will kick in when Minshew takes the field this year, and I can safely pass out on my office sofa when O’Connell is done lulling me to sleep. Perfect!

(Note: I re-watch critical preseason games and series before writing about them, because I am a professional, though usually my tipsy/buzzy notes turn out to be more accurate/entertaining.)

15. Detroit Lions

Two words: Herndon Hooker. The damaged-goods 2023 second-round pick who lost his entire rookie season to a collegiate ACL tear took all the second-team reps in Lions OTAs. With Jared Goff signed for [large sum of money I can’t bother to look up] through [a date well past the point when anyone would want to be obligated to Jared Goff], Hooker will be playing a lot in August to hold off third-stringer Nate Sudfeld and possibly become enticing 2025 tradebait. I loved Hooker in college and can’t wait to see him throwing to the likes of Daurice Fountain. 

Otherwise, solid teams make boring preseason teams, especially when they spent most of their draft capital in the secondary.

14. Dallas Cowboys

Trey Lance might be a vanishing mirage on the draft-bust horizon to the rest of us, but Jerry Jones REALLY wants to sell him as Dak Prescott’s 2025 replacement, which means a long, compelling, flop-sweaty preseason audition, possibly with whatever Cowboys starters aren’t holding out dragooned into the charade.

The Cowboys are also perpetrating the saddest running back competition in years, with Rico Dowdle, Deuce Vaughn and Royce Freeman competing for the right to try to siphon carries away from Ezekiel Elliott, who is poised to have his Le’Veon Bell-with-the-Chiefs year.

13. Kansas City Chiefs

Carson Wentz, behind an offensive line full of rookies (headlined by second-round left tackle Kingsley Suamataia), throwing to the likes of Kadarius Toney, Mecole Hardman and Justyn Ross? Mayhem is bound to ensue! It’s like the premise for a Suicide Squad movie! 

For fans of preseason sideshows, the Chiefs can offer both Punt God Matt Araiza, exonerated of all charges so it’s okay … really, it’s totally fine … [performs a Google news search] still fine … [consults with touchiest far-left friends and colleagues] … probably fine to root for him; Louis Rees-Zammit, a rugby guy with an influencer ex-girlfriend who are like Dollar Store Travis and Taylor; special teams coach Dave Toub’s vow/threat to experiment with safety Justin Reed as a kickoff specialist; and the idiot kicker who must have watched the Republican National Convention and thought, “How come they get ahead politically for saying this dumb s**t but I get ripped for it?”

(Yes, I just “both-sidesed” the Chiefs special teams. I’m getting used to this whole Substack thing!)

12. Atlanta Falcons

Raheem Morris and his staff must feature Michael Penix extensively (“see, we didn’t waste our first-round pick!”) but not TOO extensively (“oops, we wasted that $100 million for Kirk Cousins!”) That would be a delicate needle for a competent organization to thread. There’s no way the Factory of Blandness can pull it off. 

The Falcons play two Friday night exhibitions and one on Saturday afternoon, so Penix will often have the spotlight largely to himself. Adjust your takes accordingly. 

11. Washington Commanders

Luke McCaffrey, not Jayden Daniels, will likely be the star of the Commanders preseason: Christian’s brother is penciled in as a starter at wide receiver, and homer broadcasts are likely to showcase the former Nebraska/Rice quarterback-turned-receiver who would have generated 96.9% less buzz if his name were Luke Lipschitz. Tight end Ben Sinnott and nickel defender Mike Sainristil are other interesting rookies who figure in the team’s immediate plans. 

Daniels may end up only appearing in carefully-structured cameos, but that opens the door for another Marcus Mariota meltdown! Eagles fans enjoyed watching Mariota soil himself each week last year; it’s a guilty pleasure, like watching a couple break up at an Applebee’s. UDFA and former Notre Dame star Sam Hartman will quarterback the fourth quarters and has an inside track to becoming a fan heartthrob. 

10. San Francisco 49ers

The Niners will be auditioning some interesting rookies at the skill positions: speedy/slippery Ricky Pearsall, slot gnat Jacob Cowing, ultra-toolsy running back Isaac Guerendo. The Deebo/CMC cosplayers should keep things lively when Brandon Allen is eating preseason snaps. It’s worth noting that the Niners often draft exciting college playmakers who never quite make the NFL cut: Jake Hurd, Trey Sermon, Trey Lance. Still, their hit rate is high enough to make them the team they are today.

The fourth-string quarterback to watch is Tanner Mordecai, who started his college career at Oklahoma in 2018, had some big-number years at SMU and finished off his minor league tour at Wisconsin last year. Mordecai turns 35 in November. Sorry, 25. Just watch the first two plays of this extensive college highlight reel and tell me you aren’t enchanted by his jump-ball-into-traffic, late-throw-off-the-back-foot style.

Non-Niners fans may miss the annual Lance drama: last preseason was like watching a guy who thought he could bluff his way through a job interview squirm in his seat. The current “everyone is quietly seething but pretending to be just fine” 49ers drama doesn’t really translate to fun exhibition viewing. 

9. Indianapolis Colts

Anthony Richardson has been a full participant in training camp and may play some in the preseason because he needs the work. Receiver Adonai Mitchell and edge rusher Laiatu Latu are both worth a rehearsal gander. 

Third-string quarterback Sam Ehlinger is an August legend who threw four touchdown passes in the 2022 preseason. He plays football the way Lucy worked a candy-factory conveyor belt, and he will see lots of action while Joe Flacco spends the summer rubbing arthritis cream on his joints. 

Fourth-stringer Kedon Slovis threw 30 touchdown passes for USC in 2019, left because of Caleb Williams, replaced Kenny Pickett with blah results at Pitt, then replaced Jared Hall with blah results at BYU. Talk about the perfect individual to occupy a space behind Sam Ehlinger on the depth chart! 

8. Minnesota Vikings

Raiders at Vikings (August 10, 4 PM, NFL Network) is a preseason weirdo’s delight. You get the J.J. McCarthy/Sam Darnold competition AND the Gardner Minshew/Aidan O’Connell competition simultaneously, plus two defensive coaches (Raiders head coach Antonio Pierce, Vikings coordinator Brian Flores) likely to blitz the bejeezus out of the quarterbacks because it’s the one thing in life that brings them joy.

The Vikings would rank higher if they had other interesting position battles. T.J. Hockensen will be unavailable for the preseason, but the fill-in/backup tight end battle will be a ho-hum duel between Johnny Mundt, Josh Oliver and Robert Tonyan, who is so toasted that the Jets didn’t even nibble on him. Where are the converted rugby players and power forwards when you really need them?

7. Philadelphia Eagles

Did you know John Ross is on the Eagles roster? Yes, THAT John Ross: former Combine speed champion, eighth overall pick in the 2017 draft, outstanding at everything you could want from a wide receiver except hands, durability and the ability to change direction. 

The fact that Ross’ presence likely escaped your attention if you are not an Iggles fan illustrates just how many wacky moves the Eagles made this offseason. Ross will be competing with former Ohio State/Colts injury collector Parris Campbell, itty-bitty-gritty fifth-round pick Ainias Smith and sixth-round beanpole Johnny Wilson for a bench role at wide receiver. When the defense takes the field, all eyes will be on Crown Prince of Philly Jeremiah Trotter Jr., but the secondary is full of rookie prospects, and Jalyx Hunt could emerge as a fan second-favorite. 

The Eagles are docked two spots: one for the existence of Kenny Pickett (he’ll be a fine August quarterback for the next decade, but meh) and one for the retirement of DeVante Parker, the greatest annual training camp mirage in NFL history. I already miss the breathless reports on one-handed Parker catches on July Tuesday mornings, followed by a long autumn of watching him get blanketed by #2 cornerbacks. 

6. Buffalo Bills

Sean McDermott sent his starters onto the field – even Stefon Diggs, who probably tried to burn holes through McDermott’s torso with his heat vision when he heard the plan – in last year’s second and third preseason games. Bills starters also played in the second preseason game of 2022. So we’ll get a glimpse of Josh Allen and the Not Ready for Primetime Receiving Corps. We’ll also get to watch Frank Gore Jr. tote the rock in the fourth quarter, after which folks my age can blissfully crumble to dust like vampires in the sun. Oh, and the Bills will face Caleb Williams, Russ & Fields and the Panthers poopshow. Fun on a bun!

5. Carolina Panthers

It’s too early to give up on Bryce Young, but it’s not too early to start every capsule about the Panthers with, “It’s too early to give up on Bryce Young, but …” Young may get a lot of work as [Checks Panthers website again because their coaches are so anonymous] Dave Canales and coordinator Brad Idzik need to jumpstart their program and don’t need to see much of Andy Dalton. 

When not feeling around Young’s potential for a pulse, we can enjoy rookies Xavier Legette and Ja’Tavion Sanders. I liked both Legette (a heavy-slot Diet Deebo who looks a lot like the real thing) and Sanders (big, rumbly tight end who may have blocked someone once) more than most draftniks; at the very least, both should be fun YAC-sters on the preseason playground.

Third-stringer Jack Plummer isn’t nearly as anonymous as the typical rookie UDFA: he led Louisville to the Holiday Bowl and has had his moments during one of those endless college careers that have become common. Plummer will be busy in August and may be the most likely UDFA quarterback to have a Tommy DeVito/Tyson Bagent midseason cameo.  

4. Chicago Bears

Every series featuring Caleb Williams, Rome Odunze and the Bears starting offense will be Must-See TV, even if there are only a total of three of them. The Bears play two Saturday 1 PM kickoffs, so you can probably catch the Caleb show after your trip to the farmer’s market and be off on your afternoon errands or chores by 1:45 or so. 

Once Williams barely breaks a sweat, the Bears become far less interesting. But there are lots of former draftnik binkies and weird Ryan Poles experiments seeking back-of-the-roster skill-position jobs: Velus Jones, Dante Pettis, Collin Johnson (he was a THING in the 2020 draft!), Roschon Johnson and others. Also, Tyson Bagent and preseason Hall of Famer Brett Rypien.

3. New England Patriots

The Patriots should be a lot of fun in the preseason: TWO drafted rookie quarterbacks in Drake Maye and Joe Milton, TWO rookie receivers in Ja’Lynn Polk and Javon Baker, some young hopefuls like Kayshon Boutte, a sad Joey Slye/Chad Ryland kicker battle and a newish coaching staff eager to fumigate the lingering grandpa odors. The Patriots also face a trio of interesting opponents. All viewers must do is choke down the queasy feeling that Maye and Polk were the leftovers at the prospect shopping spree and brace for the bombast from the Patriots’ still-wheezing Assyrian monyment propaganda machine. BEHOLD, THE MIGHTY EMPIRE SHALL RISE AGAIN, AS JARED MAYO ASCENDS THE THRONE OF BELICHICK AND CRUSHES HIS ENEMIES BETWIXT HIS FINGERS. Hey, yeah, how about we just let these youngsters develop in peace and be happy with a seven-win season? Maybe?

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

Covered in the intro.

1. Denver Broncos

A three-way quarterback controversy is like a three-way sexual encounter: inherently more interesting than the traditional arrangement, if messier and much more potentially disastrous. Now insert Zack Wilson into the throuple. It just got grosser and weirder, didn’t it? Did we mention that Sean Payton, the Lars Von Trier of NFL coaches, is directing? Don’t ask if the results are erotica, intense personal drama, satire or body horror: a thing can be four things, for heaven’s sake.

Seriously: we all want to see Bo Nix, we all want to rubberneck at Wilson and Jarret Stidham, and all three are likely to be on the field for a long time as Payton goes through his lengthy, performative chin-stroking. The Broncos also have exciting backup running backs in Jaleel McLaughlin and rookie Audric Estime, both of whom should be capable of ripping off long runs (and causing fantasy experts to lose their minds) in late-game silly time.