Week 17 Walkthrough: The Plot Thins.
Shootouts! Nailbiters! Dramatic finishes! Hook-and-laterals! NFC South teams embarrassing themselves! Most of the playoff spots have already been clinched? Who cares!
The typical NFL season absolutely throbs with intrigue, suspense and storylines, right down to the final gun of the final game of the year.
This is not the typical NFL season.
Nearly every playoff spot has been claimed. Many of the divisions have been won. We know the great teams from the good, the healthy from the battered. Week 18’s action will be of mostly esoteric interest to specific fanbases: Division Winner X will host Wild Card Team Y based on what happened in some forgotten October game.
Even Week 17 Sunday left a lot to be desired in the drama department. Sure, Eagles-Bills had its share of thrills and chills. But the Eagles and Bills entered the game as a flawed division champion and a disappointing Wild Card team. They left the game as a flawed division champion and a slightly more disappointing Wild Card team.
There’s nothing really wrong with this year’s relative lack of last-minute plot twists. The NFL doesn’t need to “fix” anything, though scattering quasi-relevant Christmas Day games across multiple streaming services only further diluted an already-watery late-season product.
A lot of Week 17-18 intrigue usually just boils down to some terrible teams jockeying for the last remaining playoff berths, anyway. The Panthers, Buccaneers, Steelers and Ravens have us covered in that department!
In summary: sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes Rams-Falcons is scheduled for Monday night. There may have been some duds on the schedule, but Sunday’s steak had just enough sizzle for one more tasty Walkthrough before we shift into playoff mode. (Next week’s Walkthrough will be a pair of playoff previews.)
Let us run down all of Week 17’s games, in descending order of importance and (my personal) interest.
San Francisco 49ers 42, Chicago Bears 38
The Sunday night battle to remain in position to lock up a first-round bye in the NFC playoffs turned into a mid-1980s NBA Finals Game Seven.
Caleb Williams looked like Dan Marino (or maybe Larry Bird). Brock Purdy looked like Joe Montana (or perhaps Magic Johnson). Christian McCaffrey looked like Christian McCaffrey (or … Dr J.? It’s after midnight here, folks. Don’t expect tight cross-sport, cross-century analogies). Except for a game-opening pick-6 by Bears linebacker T.J. Edwards, the defenses looked like they were set to the “rookie” difficulty setting.
The 49ers and Bears offenses traded haymakers until the Bears finally forced a punt with the score tied 35-35 early in the fourth quarter. Williams led a 73-yard drive that stalled at the 11-yard line; the Bears settled for a field goal.
Skyy Moore muffed the ensuing kickoff but retrieved it for a short runback. Purdy and McCaffrey scampered straight down the field, with Purdy finding Jauan Jennings over the deep middle for a 38-yard touchdown with 2:23 to play.
Caleb Williams led a fitful drive against a tired, discombobulated defense. Williams scrambled to convert a third-and-4. Luther Burden eluded his defender for a 14-yard catch-and-run on third-and-10. Burden couldn’t haul in a high fastball on third-and-5 with 33 seconds to play, but Williams backtracked in the pocket to deliver a fadeaway jumper to Colston Loveland over the middle on fourth down. The Bears burned their final timeout.
The Bears ran a hook-and-lateral two plays later: Loveland pitched to D’Andre Swift after a catch from Williams. (Sunday was Hook-and-Lateral Day, a Festivus for oddball offensive coordinators.) Deommodore Lenoir tackled Swift at the two-yard line. Williams spiked the clock with four seconds left.
Niners defensive coordinator Robert Saleh finally came up with the perfect call after a long evening of futility. He only rushed three defenders, dropping nearly everyone else into the front of the end zone. Bryce Huff got a free release and pressured Williams while cutting off a potential swing pass to Swift. Williams spun away from a Huff sack, scrambled left, backtracked, backtracked further until he was at the 15-yard line and nearly out of bounds, then finally fired a one-hopper into the end zone just as Yetur Gross-Matos leveled him to preserve a 49ers victory.
What It Means for the 49ers and Bears
The 49ers remain alive for the top seed in the NFC playoffs. Their Saturday night season finale against the Seahawks could decide both the NFC West and the first-round bye, though the Rams are gumming everything up because of their Monday nighter against the stupid Falcons.
The Bears cannot earn the top seed, but they clinch the second seed (and a visit from the hobbling Packers) with a Week 18 win over the Lions or an Eagles loss to the Commanders.
It’s tempting to conclude the 49ers and Bears are the two best teams in the NFC after Sunday’s shootout, especially after the Eagles offense flatlined after halftime in Buffalo and Sam Darnold spent the afternoon in Charlotte trying to cram a football up his own nose. Another interpretation: the 49ers and Bears offenses are very good, but the 49ers defense is a glorified scout team, while the Bears defense only really excels at cherry-picking turnovers.
Williams played the best game of his career on Sunday night: surgical deep passes, decisive scrambles, few “what the hell was that” moments or sequences of off-target throws.
Purdy has been playing well for a month, but we’re not supposed to say nice things about Purdy for some reason.
I don’t think either of these teams can beat the Rams, Seahawks or (yes) Eagles on a good day. But the Bears upset the Eagles on Black Friday, and all of those teams are very capable of having not-so-good days, especially when forced to play on the road.
Philadelphia Eagles 13, Buffalo Bills 12
What could have been framed as a possible Super Bowl preview between two playoff-bound perennial powerhouses was instead a soggy reminder of just how frustrating the Bills and Eagles are to watch every week.
The Bills once again let an opponent coast out to an early lead. The Eagles offense produced three scoring drives, the first one sparked by a Josh Allen wet-ball whoopsie-doodle fumble, then stopped. Like: dead battery, blown piston rod, snapped timing belt, smashed-against-a-barricade-on-a-lonesome-road stopped.
Saquon Barkley ran for 10 yards with 12:43 to play in the third quarter, and it was the last first down the Eagles offense produced all game. Jalen Hurts, who took a nasty hit while running out of bounds and looked shaken up in the second quarter, spent the second half scrambling to his right and throwing the ball away as if he were early-season Caleb Williams.
The Eagles defense, however, did not stop.
The Bills drove to the Eagles’ three-yard-line midway through the third quarter on a pass interference penalty and a leaping 32-yard catch by Tyrell Shavers, but Zack Baun tripped up Josh Allen just short of the end zone on a fourth-down bob-and-weave scramble.
The Bills got the ball back in Eagles territory after a three-and-ugh, but Allen lapsed into yolo mode and scrambled his way into a 19-yard sack which knocked the Bills out of field goal range.
Allen finally scored on a sneak at the end of a methodical drive with 5:15 to play, but Jalen Carter blocked the extra point attempt.
The Bills started their final possession on their own 17-yard line with 3:21 to play. Because Sunday was Hook-and-Lateral Day, one of the mystery 12 days of Christmas (eight receivers pitching …) Shavers hook-and-lateralled to Ty Johnson to convert on fourth-and-long. Shavers made another leaping reception, with defender Marcus Epps climbing all over him and trying to poke the ball free, to set up first-and-goal at the 10-yard line. What looked like a touchdown pass to Dawson Knox was ruled down at the one-foot line, setting up another Allen sneak.
The Bills went for two. The Eagles applied pressure on the right side of the formation. Khalil Shakir crossed up rookie linebacker Jihaad Campbell to get open in the back left side of the end zone. But Jaelan Phillips beat his blocker and made Allen just skittish enough to launch a low-and-away slider out of Shakir’s reach.
Dallas Goedert fielded the final onside kick to prevent any Packers-caliber catastrophes.
What It Means for the Eagles
The Eagles remain in the race for the second seed in the NFL playoffs, which comes bundled with the highly coveted You Get to Host the Crumbling Remnants of the Packers trophy.
It’s hard to imagine the Eagles winning playoff games the way they beat the Bills. Except that they already beat the Packers, Lions and early-season Chiefs in precisely the same manner. Their Buccaneers victory was roughly similar. And while the Eagles did not face the Seahawks this year, it’s not hard to picture Sam Darnold committing five turnovers against the Eagles defense. (Seahawks-Panthers is up next! Scroll on down!)
Eagles football is ugly. It can be infuriating. Yet it somehow keeps working against decent-to-great competition. And remember: the Eagles offense didn’t start playing four complete quarters in 2024 until the NFC Championship Game.
What it Means for the Bills
The Bills have clinched a Wild Card berth, but the Patriots clinched the NFC East by beating the Manhattan University Jaspers.
There are all sorts of tiebreakers at stake among the Bills, Chargers, Texans and (perhaps) Jaguars in Week 18. One likely playoff scenario, however, has the Bills returning to Foxborough to face the Patriots in the first round. If that happens, one of those teams will get exactly what it deserves. We will discover which if and when it happens.
Opponents have now outscored the Bills 221-189 in the first halves of games. That’s inexcusable for a team that should be able to use Allen, James Cook and their offensive line to simply overrun about 75% of the teams on their schedule.
Eagles offensive coordinator Kevin Patullo may have called another miserable game, but Shavers made two nigh-miraculous David Tyree-caliber catches, and the Bills still only managed 12 points. Bills offensive coordinator Joe Brady should be sent back to the SEC. Maybe he can hook up with another Joe Burrow AND Justin Jefferson AND Ja’Marr Chase so he can look like a genius play-caller again.
Josh Allen had x-rays on his foot after the game. The x-rays came back negative. He must not have visited Kyler Murray’s doctor.
Seattle Seahawks 27, Carolina Panthers 10
The Seahawks caught the Panthers on an odd-numbered week, which is significant because Bryce Young’s druidic power to turn fourth downs into touchdowns only works during a gibbous moon.
While the Panthers offense was no match for the Seahawks defense, Sam Darnold spent the first half playing like a Sam Darnold impersonator in a parody sketch.
No, not that guy.
No, not that guy either! Anyway:
Darnold scrambled backwards and took a 21-yard grounding penalty on the opening Seahawks drive.
A fumble squirted out of Darnold’s hand in the act of throwing midway through the second quarter; A’Shawn Robinson retrieved it, Darnold jarred the ball loose, and Panthers defender Christian Rozeboom landed on the fumbled fumble recovery.
What looked like a Cooper Kupp-tipped interception was ruled incomplete when replays confirmed that Derrick Brown trapped the ball.
The Seahawks only had three points at halftime because Zach Charbonnet gained 25 yards on a third-and-15 draw play to set up a field goal.
Darnold capped off his comedy routine by throwing a crisp, pinpoint pass to wide-open Mike Jackson in the back corner of the end zone early in the third quarter. Jackson, of course, is a Panthers cornerback.
