Final 75,000 Prospect NFL Draft Big Board
Featuring Eastwestern Michigan punter/linebacker Engleburp Pumpernickel, a D-III quarterback with a cyborg (non-throwing) arm, and other deeeeep sleepers!
Sorry, but there is no actual Top 75,000 Prospect Big Board, nor is there a quarterback with a cyborg arm, at least in this year’s class. I just wanted to get your attention.
You are warmly invited to hang out with me, Bryan Knowles and other readers on the DVOA Diaspora Discord throughout draft weekend. Other former Football Outsiders celebrities are also likely to stop by. It’s a great place for spirited, collegial conversation! Here’s the link. We will probably be in the “NFL Draft” section of our Discord.
Also, here’s the upcoming Too Deep Zone content schedule:
First Round Analysis, Friday, April 26th. Premium subscribers only.
Too Deep Draft Assessments. Monday, April 29th. Premium subscribers only. Probably broken up by conference into two articles.
Ravens All Time Top 5 QBs: Workout Wonders and Local Legends. Monday, May 6th. All subscribers.
Bengals All Time Top 5 QBs: Coffee and Cigars. Thursday, May 9th. Premium subscribers.
The QB Top 5s will continue throughout the spring and summer. I plan to leave most of the breaking news to other outlets, though minicamps are sure to inspire a few columns.
As you can see, more future content will be moving to the premium tier. That includes Monday Walkthroughs starting (tentatively) July 29th. There will still be lots of free stuff for all subscribers and newcomers, but of course this is member-supported gonzo journalism, and your support goes directly to the iced coffee, Irish whiskey, sharp provolone and college tuition budgets.
So, I finally figured out what has been bugging me about draft coverage.
Back at Bleacher Report, at the behest of my weary editors, I came up with a template to organize my game synopses for Monday columns:
What Happened: A short, colorful recap of the game.
What It Means: Analysis of why what happened should matter to readers.
What’s Next: A look ahead on the schedule.
The template was designed to keep me from going off on 1,000-word tangents. It forced me to focus on what readers really need and want, at least from a Monday recap: something not just funny or interesting, but concrete and actionable in a fantasy/wagering/argument-winning sense. The template is also just a variation on the journalistic inverted pyramid. Something happened. Here’s why you should care. Here’s what else you can expect. All meat, potatoes and spice; minimal breadsticks.
The same template works well during free agency, even when the subheaders are not explicitly deployed:
What Happened: The Falcons signed Kirk Cousins.
What It Means: The Falcons are favorites to win the NFC South. The Vikings need a quarterback.
What’s Next: The Falcons must find an edge rusher. Vikings fans will spend six weeks hyperventilating.
The template even works for Combine coverage:
What Happened: Dude ran a 4.3 forty; GM said he’s open to trading veteran.
What It Means: Dude is now a likely first-round pick; GM’s team may be rebuilding.
What’s Next: Other workout results; maybe a blockbuster trade.
Now, let’s try it for your typical late-March draft-oriented column of the 10 Three-Tech DTs You Should Care About Because I Spent Hours Studying Them variety:
What Happened: A bunch of stuff from four months to six years ago.
What It Means: Player is good, maybe?
What’s Next: We will know if any of this matters for some NFL team in one to five years.
The “What’s Happened” is invariably old news, perhaps with some quasi-relevant workout result or team visit at the lede or hook. What’s worse, the “news” is granulated, blended with a noxious slurry of jargon and generalities and served up as an unappetizing gloop, like KFC coleslaw. No one “stiff-arms three defenders on his way to the end zone against Wisconsin.” Instead, they “possess exceptional contact balance and the ability to extend plays by initiating contact with defenders.”
“What it means” is a question my colleagues and I try to answer with player comps (He’s the next Randy Moss, or maybe Dorian Green-Beckham), mock drafts, “sleeper” designations and other grasps at something tangible. Mock drafts also attempt to answer “What’s next.” But it’s all vague and ephemeral.
Once the draft is over, coverage snaps back to the realm of specificity and immediacy:
What Happened: Team drafted lad.
What It Means: Lad will compete for starting job, fill a need, help team reach Super Bowl, clash with coach, stink on ice, whatever.
What’s Next: Minicamp! We will see lad in uniform in a week or two!
In the past, I instinctively fought my ennui for draft coverage in ways you have seen over the last months: focusing on stats, player quotes or jokes to add protein to drab scouting blather; poking fun at draft-coverage excess, and so forth. Some colleagues become experts at position groups, lean hard into analytics or charting, turn to insiders to get scoops, focus on team beats or just go with the flow for a few weeks. It all helps. But nothing changes the fact that we are all writing about nothing happening.
Hence my enthusiasm for this week’s coverage. Something is about to happen. It will be interesting and surprising. It will stir or dash hope. It will be worthy of discussion. It will be fun for all of us!
Then we can turn the page: I will start writing history features and FTN Almanac chapters. You can read along and go about your life without worrying about what some YouTuber thinks of Drake Maye.
Next time we meet, we will have 32 genuine noteworthy events to talk about. Can’t hardly wait.
Just want to say Thank You to everyone who subscribed as a result of this post. And, of course, to all subscribers! I am really amped for the draft now!
Egads! No 75,000 prospect list! We’ve been had, swindled, and downright bamboozled!