Every Game. Every Team. 2000 Words.

Your catch-up show for the first four weeks of the NFL season!

It’s easy to lose track of everything that has happened through the first four weeks of the NFL season.

Sure, you remember the big events: Isaiah Likely’s not-quite-touchdown at the end of the season opener, Tua Tagovailoa’s injury, Bryce Young being sent to the thinking chair, Justin Jefferson’s 97-yard touchdown catch, some Will Levis memes. But do you have any idea how the Colts, Raiders and Broncos have the exact same record as the 49ers, Ravens and Cowboys? Do you know why the Saints looked like the 2007 Patriots for two weeks, then stopped? Did you even see 30 seconds of Seahawks football entering Monday night?

Recapping 64 NFL games in any meaningful detail would take many thousands of words, which is why few NFL analysts attempt it. Only Too Deep Zone possesses the knowledge, persistence and breathtaking literary talent to condense the entire NFL season so far into 2,000 words. Not counting these words. Or these. Starting with the body of the article, to be clear. 

Our goal is to cut through the narratives a bit and provide insights into the standings without boring you with long dissertations or “well, actually” arguments.

To keep things lively, we’ll work our way up the standings in the form of kinda-sorta power rankings. 

Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4)

Dropped passes. Blown blocks. At least one dumb third/fourth down decision per week. Fumbles. Porous run defense. Inability to produce turnovers. Slow starts. No comeback capability. Doug Pederson finally blows his cool-dad vibe by blaming the players. Firings likely imminent.

Carolina Panthers (1-3)

David Tepper’s attempt to recreate the magic of early-1980s Gary Coleman made-for-TV movies fails when Bryce Young turns out to be The Kid With No NFL Traits.

Andy Dalton elevates the Panthers from “historically bad” to “bad,” surprising the punchless Raiders with baseline competence in Week 3.

Tennessee Titans (1-3)

“Hey, AI software: please produce a series of memes based on what it would look like if a quarterback who combines the worst attributes of Carson Wentz and Mark Sanchez were forced to play behind a tissue-paper offensive line.” Levis obviously benched suffers a shoulder injury on Monday night; defense and Mason Rudolph lead a win against an off-the-street third-string quarterback.

Los Angeles Rams (1-3)

Injuries, injuries, 49ers fainting spell, injuries.

Arizona Cardinals (1-3)

Sucker-punching the Bills in the parking lot before the season opener doesn’t turn out so well. Marvin Harrison Jr. conducts a brand activation against the battered Rams, leaving the Cardinals pooped against the Lions and utterly spent against the Commanders. The Cardinals have outscored opponents 35-16 in first quarters but have been outscored 92-61 in second-through-fourth quarters.

Cleveland Browns (1-3)

A nation seeking evidence of cosmic justice finds catharsis in watching Descuzzball Watson publicly humiliate himself behind a patchwork offensive line each week. It’s like burning a Wicker Man!

Long ago, in ancient times, there lived an ancient race of people: The DRUIDS. Sketch by Thomas Pennant, 1781.

The Browns paused briefly to defeat the Jaguars, who are so disorganized and indifferent that they have become the embodiment of entropy.

New York Giants (1-3)

Spanked by the Vikings. Lost to the Commanders because Brian Daboll didn’t bother replacing an injured kicker. Descuzzball intermezzo. Lost to the Cowboys because Daboll relied too much on his kicker. Malik Nabers and the defensive front: very good. Everything else: bad-to-awful.

New England Patriots (1-3)

After surprising the still-sleeping Bengals by running straight at them, the Patriots have watched their offensive line collapse like a neglected barn on an abandoned farm. Jacoby Brissett is the metaphorical scarecrow from a John Mellencamp album.

Miami Dolphins (1-3)

Tyreek Hill gets treated like John Dillinger for speeding outside the stadium, then takes out his frustrations on the bumbling Jaguars. Tua Tagovailoa gets knocked off the sports page and onto the “issues in sports” page by the Bills. The Skyler Thompson Era lasts 90 minutes. Snoop Huntley has fans reaching for the gin-and-juice.

Cincinnati Bengals (1-3)

“Mmph. We’re not ready to pay Ja’Marr Chase yet. [Snooze alarm.] We’re not ready to play offense or tackle Rhamondre Stevenson yet. [Snooze alarm.] We’re not ready to face the Chiefs yet. [Snooze alarm.] We’re not ready to game-plan to stop a hotshot rookie quarterback yet. [Snooze alarm.] Yikes! It’s already late September. Andy Dalton is at the front door! Get-dressed-guzzle-coffee-look-busybusybusy!!!”

Los Angeles Chargers (2-2)

Jim Harbaugh changes the team culture by rescheduling their annual crippling injury plague from the start of training camp to mid-September. The Chargers defeat the woeful Raiders and Panthers before losing to the Steelers in Cro Magnon-versus-Neanderthal action and giving up entirely on offense against the Chiefs. Injured Justin Herbert is suffering at the whims of a callous dictator, but his legions of followers believe he is capable of miracles and will someday rise again. THIS IS HOW CHRISTIANITY STARTED, PEOPLE. 

Las Vegas Raiders (2-2)

The Raiders were outmuscled by the Chargers, overcame the Ravens with the help of penalties and mistakes, got stunned by the Andy Dalton Panthers, then outlasted the Browns despite the absences of Maxx Crosby and Davante Adams, two of the four Raiders you would be able to name after five beers. In short, a determined-but-untalented team that benefitted from a Ravens fourth-quarter aneurysm.

Chicago Bears (2-2)

Everyone bought into the preseason “Caleb Williams is pretty much already Patrick Mahomes” narrative. especially Caleb Williams. The Bears defense and special teams hammered out wins against the comical Titans (Week 1) and M*A*S*H-unit Rams (Week 4) while Williams sprayed footballs like a lawn sprinkler. Bears fans blame the coaching staff for their quarterback’s struggles, just as they have since roughly 1963. 

Indianapolis Colts (2-2)

Anthony Richardson surrounds two moments of 2015 Cam Newton with three hours of glorified Nathan Peterman per week. The Colts run defense starts the year dreadful but somehow gets better after DeForest Buckner’s injury. Caleb Williams out-mistakes Richardson in Week 3, then Joe Flacco replaces the injured Richardson and confuses the Steelers with typical below-average quarterback play instead of random chaos. 

New York Jets (2-2)

These 49ers are too tough! These Titans are surprisingly challenging! These Patriots are just right! This Meadowlands weather is too wet! Try not to think about the fact that the Jets mortgaged their future and wasted a full year waiting for this Goldilocks routine!

Denver Broncos (2-2)

Leftenant Beauregard Sideways leads the Broncos to two losses while running the offense as if it were a summer camp egg toss. Sean Payton rotates his rookie quarterback 90% clockwise, and a few forward passes are enough to surprise the Buccaneers. Beauregard rotates 90 more degrees and begins throwing for negative yardage on a soggy day in North Jersey, but the Broncos upset the Jets because someone left a flake out in the rain. 

Dallas Cowboys (2-2)

Jerry Jones pays Dak Prescott, which was the second-worst decision he could make, behind not paying Prescott. Traditional game-to-game, quarter-to-quarter Cowboys mood swings ensue. Micah Parsons and Tank Lawrence will be out a while. Adjust your pessimism accordingly.

New Orleans Saints (2-2)

Coordinator Klint Kubiak becomes a celebrity as the Saints offense becomes The Greatest Show on the Bayou through two weeks. A Taysom Hill injury saps Kubiak’s creativity and sends the Saints spiraling back to reality against the Eagles. (Yes, Hill’s absence probably made the difference in Week 3. Weird.) A first-quarter muffed punt, a 47-yard pick-6 and fourth-quarter pass interference penalty to set up a game-ending field goal doom the Saints against Atlanta, restoring the NFC South status quo of genteel banality. The Saints remain better than you thought they would be, yet not as good as they really need to be.

Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)

One terrible quarter followed by three decent ones to beat the Packers in Brazil. Three-and-a-half decent quarters followed by half a disastrous one against the Falcons. Three nightmarish quarters followed by one brilliant one against the Saints. Three-and-a-half execrable quarters with some moments of competence on either side of halftime in Tampa. Overall performance level: below average. Vibes: somewhere between the final day of Woodstock 99 and Carthage after the Third Punic War. 

Atlanta Falcons (2-2)

Kirk Cousins looks like an elm tree in a loss to the Steelers, wins the first Monday night game of his 13-year career (Kidding! He’s 4-10) with a last-minute power-up, comes within a pass interference no-call and a fourth-down stuff of upsetting the Chiefs at Arrowhead and relies on defense and special teams for a last-second victory over the Saints. In summary, the Falcons are just like the Eagles except for the reduced expectations that come from being the Falcons. 

Green Bay Packers (2-2)

Jordan Love’s late-game Week 1 injury in a loss to the Eagles looks like a catastrophe, but Matt LaFleur customizes a sleek hotrod of an offense for last-minute acquisition Malik Willis. Willis, a battalion of playmakers and a turnover-happy defense spark wins over the Colts and Titans. But LaFleur rushes Love back too soon, and his shaky start allows the Vikings to take a 28-0 lead and hold off a late comeback. Brilliant game-planning? Reckless, self-destructive quarterback decisions? LaFleur really IS a Kyle Shanahan disciple!

San Francisco 49ers (2-2)

Impressive opener. Two weeks swooning on the settee with the vapors due to injuries. One week of taking out their frustrations on the woeful Patriots. Brock Purdy is playing very well despite a supporting cast that’s more like a Phase 4 Marvel movie than the Avengers.

Baltimore Ravens (2-2)

Isaiah Likely’s right piggy goes to market just outside the end zone, and the Ravens suffer a heartbreaker in the season opener. An ill-advised Likely tush-push on third-and-inches triggers a fourth-quarter avalanche of penalties and idiocy against the Raiders. The desperate Ravens stomp on the accelerator against the Cowboys but nearly run out of gas in the fourth quarter. The Ravens use their deluxe Derrick Henry combo moves to crush the Bills. 

Seattle Seahawks (3-1) 

Narrowly defeated Leftenant Beauregard Sideways and his Pea Shooter Militia. Narrowly defeated Crash Test Brissett and the tattered remains of the Prussian Empire. Slowwwwly pulled away from Tua’s Mop-Up Battalion. Kept things close (within two scores, anyway) in reality-check loss to Lions.

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)

The Steelers defense forces sacks and turnovers while their offense sputters along in first gear through three quarters, resulting in comeback wins against some middling opponents (Falcons, Broncos, Chargers with a one-legged Herbert) and a not-quite-comeback against another (the wacko-for-Flacco Colts). In other words, the 2024 Steelers are just like the 2023 Steelers, except that a different subsection of the population is now pretending that the quarterback situation is just peachy. 

Detroit Lions (3-1)

Chieftain Campbell’s cavemen smash Rams with overtime unga-bunga. Clubs and big rocks no good for score touchdowns against sneaky Bucs. Stomp stomp stomp on puny Cardinals. Seahawk not real bird. Even caveman know that.

Houston Texans (3-1)

Narrow win over the Colts. Narrow, penalty-marred victory over the Bears. Humiliating, penalty-marred drubbing in Minnesota. Narrow, penalty-marred victory over the Jaguars. The Texans are on pace to commit 179 penalties for 1,385 yards this season. Yet they remain the best team in the AFC South. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)

The Bucs are shockingly competent. Who could have seen this coming? (The Bucs have reached the playoffs in each of the last four seasons.) They gave Jayden Daniels his (singular) rookie lump, out-muscled the Lions in the red zone and steamrolled the Eagles. Shocking! (There are nearly a dozen veterans on their roster with Super Bowl rings.) The Buccaneers are unstoppable! (They looked lost and bewildered when a Broncos team with a slingshot passing game took an early lead on them.) What will the Buccaneers do next? (Probably go 9-8 and squeak into the playoffs.)

Washington Commanders (3-1)

The best deep passer and scrambler in the nation in 2023 turns out to be the best scrambler and deep passer among the rookie quarterbacks in 2024. Remember: football scouting is a precise science best left to professionals! Jayden Daniels and the offense get better every week. The Commanders are probably on a sugar rush. Let them enjoy it. 

Buffalo Bills (3-1)

First 15 minutes: OMG we’re doomed. Next 2.75 weeks: Never mind, we’re the 1972 Dolphins. Sunday night: OMG we’re doomed. 

Minnesota Vikings (4-0)

A preseason injury to J.J. McCarthy forces young journeyman Sam Darnold into the lineup. Darnold clicks with Justin Jefferson, keeping the offense sound while Brian Flores’ intricate defense bewilders opponents. Victories over the 49ers, Texans and Packers – three tough opponents – are not even all that close. NFL fans and media will resume declaring rookie quarterbacks “100% ready to start” and treating journeymen like disposable razors again come draft season. 

Kansas City Chiefs (4-0)

Marquise Brown gets hurt before the season starts. Isiah Pacheco gets hurt in Week 2. Rashee Rice tears an ACL in Week 4. Travis Kelce grows old while filming commercials in the offseason. The Chiefs are undefeated thanks to Patrick Mahomes, great defense and a splash of homefield advantage. Andy Reid for Emperor of Earth.