Last Minute Stocking Stuffers for NFL Teams
A holiday tradition unlike any other: a dad-jokey NFL gag-gift column! It would have felt weird to NOT write one!
Looking for that last-minute gift for your favorite NFL team? Too Deep Zone has you covered like a bodega across the street from a bus terminal.
Arizona Cardinals
An engraved You Were Great Through Mid-November participation trophy for 2024. And one for 2021. And one for 2020 …
Atlanta Falcons
A left-handed ergonomic desk, mouse pad and pencil sharpener for the starting quarterback’s office.
Baltimore Ravens
Zen and the Art of Avoiding Pass Interference Penalties in Critical Situations, by Steve Spagnuolo (with a forward by Justin Jefferson).
Buffalo Bills
Homefield advantage, one foot of snow and the Chiefs down to Kingsley Suamataia and (why not?) Jason Peters at the tackle positions on January 26th. Plus a rabbit’s foot. And a little doll made from locks of Patrick Mahomes’ hair …
Carolina Panthers
Bryce Young pawned his ability to read defenses so he could purchase Anthony Richardson’s size and arm strength.
Chicago Bears
Liam Coen wearing black nail polish and carrying a Hello Kitty cellphone case.
Cincinnati Bengals
Fat new contracts for Tee Higgins and Ja’Marr Chase! (From the Chargers and Lions.)
Cleveland Browns
An infernal chasm to swallow Deshaun Watson and deposit him in whichever circle of Dante’s Inferno is most appropriate. Let’s go with the eighth circle, which covers both frauds and seducers. Would final cosmic judgment void Watson’s contract? Asking for untold numbers of long-suffering fans and one dimwit truckstop mogul.
Dallas Cowboys
A $130-million contract for Micah Parsons.
MICAH: Aw shucks, you shouldn’t have spent all this money on me. I just need a little house in Lake Tahoe and some Daniel Jones chew toys for my dogs.
JERRAH: What in tarnation did you give him, Stephen? You think daddy’s made of money? Now go cut Trevon Diggs this instant.
Denver Broncos
Taysom Hill.
BO NIX: [opening a box of Taysom] This is … really unique. What am I supposed to do with him?
SEAN PAYTON: [licking chops] The question is: what are WE supposed to do with him?
BO NIX: I’m really scared. But also a little curious.
Detroit Lions
Tranquilizer darts for when Dan Campbell calls a Dan Skipper/Penei Sewell double-reverse on fourth-and-6 from his own 20-yard line or thinks the Lions can recover an onside kick if he douses the football in deer urine.
Green Bay Packers
They won’t face the 49ers in the playoffs this year. That’s a pretty awesome gift.
Houston Texans
Three 65-gallon rain barrels full of wet sand to replace the interior offensive line. The improvement will be immediate.
Indianapolis Colts
Anthony Richardson pawned his size and arm strength so he could purchase Bryce Young’s ability to read defenses. It’s a Gift of The Magi reference! Now both of them are Will Levis.
Jacksonville Jaguars
A productive end-of-season debriefing:
SHAD KHAN: Fellas, we need to make some changes.
DOUG PEDERSON: Can we make this quick? I have brunch reservations with my wife.
TRENT BAALKE: [Tasmanian Devil grunts and rapsberries].
SHAD: No Trent, I am thinking of firing both of you.
TONY KHAN: That’s right, pops! Off the top rope! Suplex those jabronis!
MICHAEL LOMBARDI: Ew, gross, the owner’s son is involved in the decision making.
PEDERSON: I’m sorry Mike, but don’t you have an important Wake Forest game to prep for?
SHAD: Look, I will be satisfied if you just fire Press Taylor.
PEDERSON: I’d sooner tear out my own kidneys.
BAALKE: Grrrrr. That can be arranged.
SHAD: That does it. Everyone is fired.
TREVOR LAWRENCE: Phew. Is it safe to come out now?
SHAD: Well, Doug left before I finished that sentence. Tony’s arranging something called a “steel cage match.” That Lombardi guy hasn’t even had a real job in 10 years. That only leaves …
TRENT BAALKE: [Terrifying animalistic shrieks from a dark corner]
SHAD: Call animal control! Call an exorcist!
Kansas City Chiefs
We wanted to get them some new offensive tackles for Christmas. But every time one of them walks into Chiefs headquarters, this happens:
So instead, the Chiefs get an AARP membership and new podcasting equipment for Travis Kelce, plus the phone number of David Njoku’s agent (the Browns could use some cap space and draft picks!) for 2025.
Los Angeles Chargers
Boise State running back Ashton Jeanty.
JUSTIN HERBERT: Great idea, Coach! This will take pressure off me, and we can start every drive with a five-yard handoff instead of a zero-yard handoff.
JIM HARBAUGH: Shut up, surfer boy. [Wraps both arms and legs around Jeanty] Behold, my new chosen son.
Los Angeles Rams
A transfer to the NFC South, where they would rule as emperors.
Las Vegas Raiders
A $500 gift certificate to the TB12 website for next year’s starting quarterback.
MARK DAVIS: Hey, thanks so much, Tom. And thanks for, you know, the influx of cash. But have you considered my offer to become general manager/head coach/quarterback?
TOM BRADY: [Rubbing the back of his neck] Golly, Mark. I don’t think I can fit that into my busy schedule of being the 11th best NFL color commentator on television while radiating Chernobyl-level hangdog divorcee energy.
DEION SANDERS: Hey Tracksuit, my sons and I have a solution to your whole coach/decision maker dilemma.
MARK DAVIS: Oh crap, he got in. Activate the security countermeasures!
BRADY: I can’t. Both Maxx Crosby and Christian Wilkins are on IR. And they might side with Prime, anyway.
MARK DAVIS: Oh well. I guess Prime’s gonna run the Raiders until he gets bored in two years.
BRADY: Cool cool cool. Imma see if the Dolphins are looking for investors.
Miami Dolphins
A new fragrance for Mike McDaniel: Eau du Campbell.
MIKE MCDANIEL: Hmm, this smells like the OPPOSITE of patchouli. I’ll try it anyway. [Spritz.] Wait, is my voice deepening? I … I need to run the ball more! And not misdirection runs either: I must exert my will upon the defense. And stop treating my own defense like an afterthought! And stop coming across like a sophomore philosophy major explaining a Wes Anderson movie in press conferences! I must bag a seven-point buck! Listen to Master of Puppets on giant speakers while repairing a Harley Davidson! Embrace the traditional manhood that football players respond to, as opposed to the awkward intellectualism that YouTubers respond to. I finally figured it out …
STEPHEN ROSS: You’re fired.
TUA TAGOVAILOA: Thanks, boss. He was starting to sound like Brian Flores.
Minnesota Vikings
A new agent for Sam Darnold:
DARNOLD: Based on my success this year, I feel I deserve a contract in the range of what Jordan Love signed last offseason, adjusted for changes in the market of course. And there are several teams that need short-term quarterback solutions …
CERTIFIED AGENT MICAH PARSONS: Money can’t buy happiness, bruh! Be a company man! Take whatever the Vikings offer you! Settle for a mentorship role if it comes to that. Leverage is for winning trench battles, not increasing your earning potential!
New England Patriots
Travis Hunter. Also: sativa gummies for Jared Mayo to take 90 minutes before press conferences.
New Orleans Saints
Hey, Mickey Loomis: if we erased $300 million in cap liabilities for 2025 and 2026, what would you do with the newfound liquidity?
MICKEY LOOMIS: Extension for Derek Carr! Extension for Alvin Kamara! Extension for Cameron Jordan’s grandchildren!
Never mind. Here’s socks.
New York Giants
A magic mirror. When John Mara looks into it, he sees Jerry Jones. “Is … is this what I have become?” he sobs before deactivating Brian Daboll’s and Joe Schoen’s key fobs.
New York Jets
New ambassadorial appointments!
Woody Johnson: Ambassador to Great Britain again.
Brick Johnson: Ambassador to the Island of Shapely Women Uncontrollably Attracted to Ultra-Entitled Lumpybois.
Aaron Rodgers: Ambassador to Alpha Centauri.
Philadelphia Eagles
One of those jogger’s hats with the blinking strobe lights for Jahan Dotson to wear when running routes. “Nope, still can’t see him,” shrugs Jalen Hurts before scrambling to his right and chucking the ball out of bounds.
Pittsburgh Steelers
An actual old pickup truck for offensive coordinator/gazillionaire’s son Arthur Smith to drive around Pittsburgh in the wintertime for a few months before coining any new metaphors. “Wait, this isn’t grittily romantic! It’s dangerously unreliable! Maybe I should turn my offense into a Subaru Outback or something!”
San Francisco 49ers
Coal. They’ve been very bad boys this year.
Seattle Seahawks
A premium Waze subscription that offers detailed real-time red-zone traffic reports. “There’s heavy congestion around DK Metcalf. There’s a six-player pileup behind the right side of your offensive line. Satellites track a snap fluttering high over Geno Smith’s head …”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Handcuffs so Liam Coen cannot escape to take a head coaching job. They can be golden handcuffs. Or, like, sexy handcuffs. Gronk might have left a pair of those lying around somewhere.
Tennessee Titans
An identity. A personality. A sense of direction. No, “our quarterback really digs white creamy condiments” is NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
Washington Commanders
Some head coaching offers for Kliff Kingsbury. Trust me, Commanders fans: you don’t want to tempt fate with that guy.
And one bonus Christmas/Hanukkah gift from the Too Deep Zone: a clip of Rob Bartlett and Harry Potter singing the Micah Parsons theme song:
“Now both of them are Will Levis” got me
Dante’s Inferno isn’t all that Seasonal…
Eight maids a-milking should be enough to keep Deshaun out of circulation