Shedeur Sinners

Can the Sanders brothers protect their cousin from the forces of evil? An epic saga based on the blockbuster motion picture!

Our tale opens somewhere in rural Mississippi, where a convertible pulls up in front of a lonesome clapboard church. A young man clutching a football runs from the church and leaps into the back of the convertible. Two dapper siblings are in the front. The car speeds off down a two-lane country road in a cloud of dust.

TRAVIS: Hey Cousin Shedeur! Hey Cousin Shilo! Thanks for picking me up. I was just praying for guidance. I’m torn between the righteous path of defense and the sinful thrills of offense.

SHEDEUR: You won’t have to make that choice after tonight. Say, is that our daddy’s football you are holding?

TRAVIS: Yes. I found it under my bed. Is it true what they say about Uncle Prime? That he was a dangerous man who sent you down the road to arrogance and entitlement?

SHILO: Well …

SHEDEUR: No! You can’t believe everything you hear. Especially those old bedtime stories about Daddy imbuing that football with mystical power. If it really had power, he would have given it to his firstbo … [Side-eyes at Shilo in the passenger seat] most capable son. Right? Right?

Seconds of gorgeous cinematography and awkward silence pass.

SHEDEUR: Anyway, we’re about to teach the NFL a lesson for trying to ice us out. We’re starting our own football league. We’ve already “borrowed” television production equipment from New York, gambling equipment from Las Vegas, food from New Orleans …

SHILO: And I bought the plot of land and television airtime from Fox Sports and the Sinclair Network. I’m sure they have our best interests at heart!

SHEDEUR: You’re gonna be our star, Cousin Travis!

TRAVIS: I don’t know if I am ready for that. I haven’t even kissed a woman yet.

SHILO: No? What about oral sex? Have you performed oral sex on a woman yet?

TRAVIS: I mean … I just told you I haven’t kissed a woman yet, so obviously no.

The convertible drives on, with Shilo explaining the mechanics and benefits of cunnilingus to Travis in exhaustive detail. Mercifully, our three protagonists soon arrive at their destination, an old-timey train station.

SHEDEUR: Shilo, you and Travis go wrangle our hype man while I go into town and shoot people so they will respect me more.

TRAVIS: Don’t tell me that our “hype man” is that old drunk playing the harp and babbling nonsense for nickels over there.

SHILO: Cuz, that old drunk used to be famous and respected.

At the edge of a train platform, a sullen figure wails on the harmonica.

SLICK KIPER JR: [Singing]

Oh Lord, I keep on slidin’/And I think I’m out of luck. [Amazing harp lick]

Oh Lord, I keep on slidin’/And I think I’m out of luck. [Amazing harp lick]

If I slide down any further/I’ll be lower than Tyler Shough. [Even more amazing harp lick]

SHILO: Hey Slick. My brother and I are forming our own football league. We want you to help promote it. And I know you owe our Daddy some favors.

SLICK: I’ll do it. But only because I can tell your cousin Travis over there has the magic. Pay me in corn liquor and Pomade.

SHILO: Which one do you drink and which do you put in your hair?

SLICK: Both and both.

TRAVIS: [Watching the other passengers] Hey Cuz, there’s a white lady looking at you from over there in the shadows.

SHILO: Are you sure she’s white?

TRAVIS: Not really. She’s got this Natalie Wood in West Side Story thing going on. But according to the wide array of ethnicities prominently featured on her IMDB page …

HAILEE STEINFELD: Hey Shilo.

SHILO: Uh-oh. You can’t be seen talking to me. Because, you know, you’re engaged to Josh Allen!

HAILEE: But you performed oral sex on me once, and it was so amazing that I’m willing to shout about it in front of strangers. Then you walked out. Now I want to be a part of your new football league.

SHILO: Absolutely not. If folks from the NFL find out, who knows what they will try to do to us? You are NOT invited. C’mon, Travis and Slick.

Our heroes walk away, leaving the mysterious young woman at the platform, who is soon joined in the deep shadows by three tall, imposing figures.

Hours later, Shedeur and Shilo have erected a makeshift football stadium deep in the woods, complete with television cameras and other amenities. Slick Kiper stands at the gate, crooning to all who can hear that lots of NFL-caliber talent will be performing that night. Shedeur and Shilo have thought of everything – or at least Shedeur has – and fans arrive to spend their last nickels on a night of gridiron thrills.

SHEDEUR: Browbeating and threatening people for favors has worked! This is going to make me famous. I mean “us.” It’s gonna make US famous. Now let’s go play football, Travis.

TRAVIS: Just me and you?

SHEDEUR: I will throw you some passes. But you have the power to play offense AND defense, Cuz. We don’t need anybody else.

SHILO: Wait! Wait! I can cover him!

SHEDEUR: Like I said: we don’t NEED anybody else.

Travis begins running routes and catching footballs. Fans are swept up by the excitement. Soon, it looks as though the field is rung with fire. Jim Thorpe materializes, wearing a leather helmet. Red Grange. Notre Dame’s Four Horsemen. Jim Brown. Reggie White in his prime. Some 19th-century Yale lads with only tussled hair for a helmet. A football game among generation-spanning legends brought to life! Total Oscar bait, though it will get ignored so they can give Best Screenplay to some boring movie about architecture.

Meanwhile, at the front gate …

SLICK: I don’t understand what’s going on.

HAILEE: It’s magical realism, you incredible imbecile.

SLICK: Miss Hailee? You sure did sneak up suspiciously quietly.

HAILEE: Yes, and I brought friends. Have you met Joe Flacco, Kenny Pickett and Tommy DeVito?

SHEDEUR: [Storming up to find out what is going on] What the hell are those guys doing here?

FLACCO: Yo, ‘Sup. We just wanted to come play football with youse. And share some of the music of our heritage. Hit it fellas:

THE JERSEY BOYS: [singing in harmony while making eerie, stilted gestures]

Johnny used to work on the block

Union’s been on strike

He’s down on his luck

It’s tough. So tough

SHILO: Say, that’s catchy. Why don’t we invite …

SHEDEUR: No! Get everybody out of here! Close the gates!

Fans hastily evacuate the makeshift stadium, unaware of the dangers lurking in the woods. Our heroes huddle at midfield. Shedeur alertly raids the concession stand for garlic, then fashions stakes from some rickety bleachers.

SHEDEUR: I think those were cultural assimilation vampires.

TRAVIS: Cultural what?

SHEDEUR: Cultural assimilation vampires. But the football version. They want to steal our power and turn everyone into boring white quarterbacks. Hailee must have gotten to Josh Allen just before the AFC Championship Game, which explains a lot. Now they are coming for me.

TRAVIS: Are you sure they are coming for you?

SHEDEUR: Of course. Who else?

HAILEE: We’re obviously here for Travis, you insufferable egomaniac.

SHEDEUR: [Brandishing his stake] Eek! Who invited you in?

HAILEE: All I had to do was ask your brother if he wanted to go down on me, and he couldn’t wait to invite me. Ain’t that right Shilo?

SHILO: I couldn’t help it. This screenplay is obsessed with one particular sex act. It’s pretty distracting!

HAILEE: We crave Travis’ power. But in the meantime, we have been feeding on all the fans you sent away. Hear the music coming from the fringe of the woods? See everyone dancing in the dark? My friends have become even more powerful.

JOE FLACCO: [Singing in the distance] Tramps like us, Travis, we were born to run.

TOMMY DEVITO: [Singing in the distance] The summer wind/comes rollin’ in’/to eat your souls.

KENNY PICKETT: [Singing (?) in the distance] Sea-grams Golden Wine Coolers. They’re wet and they’re dry. Oh my my my my.

SHEDEUR: Yeah, I don’t think garlic is going to stop this crowd. But I know what can stop Hailee: The upcoming projects section of her IMDB page. [Grabs Travis’ phone] Take a look, sweetheart.

HAILEE: [Inhuman Shrieking]

SHEDEUR: That’s right. Into the Spider-Verse has been pushed back to 2027. There’s not even a release date on Champions. Even two superhero properties and your Vin Diesel-like ability to play characters of any ethnicity won’t help your career at this point.

HAILEE: [In a deep demonic voice] Who is running Marvel these days? Sean McDermott? I’m calling my agent. [Runs off in a creepy CGI huff]

SHILO: Hey, that worked! We’re awesome!

SHEDEUR: Careful. Don’t showboat. That always gets you in trouble.

SHILO: I feel like I can take on the whole world!

SHEDEUR: Oh no. Quick, grab my brother before he gloats!

Travis, Slick and Shedeur race to intervene, but Shilo is already flexing and taunting in celebration of a victory he had little to do with.

SHILO: Come get some, you dumb goombahs!

SHEDEUR: And … my idiot brother just invited the vampires in.

In seconds, our heroes come face to face with the leaders of the assimilation vampires.

TOMMY DEVITO: You wanna get whacked or somethin’? I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse: lean into the stereotype. Pride in your unique cultural contributions and signifiers? Fuggetabout it!

SLICK: I can handle this one. Hey Cutlets: the NFL thinks that your stature and poise make up for your lack of ideal physical traits.

DEVITO: [Mesmerized] Really? Bada-bing!

TRAVIS: That won’t hold him for long. And we still have the others to worry about.

SHEDEUR: I will go fight them. Travis, do whatever you can to escape.

TRAVIS: You can’t! Uncle Prime’s magic football …

SHEDEUR: My daddy had a magic that the NFL could never assimilate. It’s not locked inside a football. I thought he passed it on to me. Heck, maybe he thought so, too. But deep down, he saw something of himself in you. He knew you had the magic. Protect the power. Nurture it. Take it to the last place anyone would search for the true essence of football: Jacksonville.

KENNY PICKETT: Nice speech. Now imma take you under the boardwalk.

SHEDEUR: Seriously? I may not be the hero I thought I was, but there is no way I will lose on a football field to Kenny Freakin’ Pickett.

PICKETT: Maybe not. But say hello to my little friend.

Pickett reaches into his pocket and throws a feral, gnome-sized creature at Shedeur. It begins clawing him violently.

SHEDEUR: Arrrgh! Dillon Gabriel! He has little needle fingers. He’s so pesky! ARRRRRRRGGGGGH.

SHILO: I will save you, baby bro! I’m somewhat capable of tackling itsy-bitsy quarterbacks. This is my chance to evolve from Shilo to Samwise!

The siblings tangle with Pickett and his tiny minion in lethal combat. And so it comes to pass that our real hero stands face to face with our real antagonist.

FLACCO: Here’s the situation, Travis. Long before my time, football assimilated another Italian guy from New Jersey and stole his power. Now, as I grow preternaturally old, I want to seize your power so I can reconnect with the true spirit of football and use it to stage one more comeback.

TRAVIS: This metaphor is scrambled and confusing! But that doesn’t matter, because you will never be able to catch me.

FLACCO: Bah. You cannot run around forever.

TRAVIS: I don’t have to run. I play offense AND defense. I can blitz.

Travis charges directly into Flacco’s sternum, driving the not-so-magic football through the vampire’s heart. All the nearby vampires also die. Which would be the end of most horror stories. But this one has a bunch of epilogues.

TRAVIS: They’re all dead. But my cousins …

SHEDEUR: [bleeding profusely] I’m not dead yet. I’m gonna stick around to get my revenge.

TRAVIS: On whom? Institutionalized racists? Systemic oppressors?

SHEDEUR: Prank callers.

TRAVIS: Gotcha. Poor Shilo though. And I think Hailee escaped before all the vampires died.

SHEDEUR: I wouldn’t worry about Hailee. Her acting career is a mess because of superhero burnout. And her fiance plays for the Bills, so he will never, ever win a Super Bowl. Assimilation vampires need football relevance to survive.

TRAVIS: But what if she gains football relevance some other way?

SHILO: How? Even if she changes her name and assumes a new identity, she’s just some foxy 20-something brunette. There’s no way that she will be able to find a source of football relevance powerful enough to make her a threat.

Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away in a television studio, an elderly man waits for an interview with two noticeable bite-sized holes near the collar of his sweatshirt.

TV HOST: Good evening. Our guest tonight is the author of two new books, No One Else Deserves Credit and Mansplaining the Roman Empire: A Sexual Memoir. I refer of course to coaching legend Bill Belichick. Coach, I have to ask: where did you and your new mysterious young paramour meet?

HAILEE WEARING A “HI MY NAME IS JORDON” NAMETAG: He will not be answering that.

Everything Wrong With Sheduer Sinners in Five Minutes or Less

Deion Sanders Jr., not Shilo nor Shedeur, is Coach Prime’s oldest child. So, technically, he should have inherited the magic football.

Also, is the football magic or isn’t it? Come to think of it, Sinners doesn’t really explain if there’s anything mystical about Sammie’s guitar. The musical power comes from within Sammie himself, but the guitar is capable of harming Remmick the Riverdance Vampire with El Kabong tactics, so …

There’s no documented evidence that Kenny Pickett is of Italian ancestry, though he was raised in New Jersey and South Philadelphia. So maybe he’s Italian by osmosis? But that would clash with the cultural assimilation themes of the story.

TOTAL SINS: 3.

FINAL SENTENCE: Imagining specifics about Josh Allen’s sex life for the rest of his career.

COMING LATER IN THE WEEK (PROMISE!): The All-Time Top Five 49ers QBs, parts 1 and 2.