The Pittsburgh Steelers Accidentally Texted Me Their Aaron Rodgers Plans
Steelers leaders included me in a group chat about their plans to spend weeks looking indecisive and desperate.
On Sunday March 9th, 24 hours before the start of the NFL’s “legal tampering period,” I received an invitation from someone calling themselves OKComputer to join a group chat titled “Top Secret Steelers Free Agency Strategic Planning.” The chat was hosted on Rotaree, messaging software designed for the elderly, reclusive, technologically incompetent and exceedingly thrifty.
I joined the group, assuming it was a practical joke initiated by Steelers writer Jarrett Bailey, or perhaps by another collegue old enough to reference Radiohead. My assigned handle was simply MT.
Other users joined on the morning of March 10th, identifying themselves as FedExJr and R0000NEY87987897P89.
“Let’s do this,” OKComputer wrote a few minutes before noon.
FedExJr responded with a flame emoji, a fist emoji and, for reasons I could not ascertain, birthday cake and musical note emojis.
“IS THIS THING ON?” wrote R0000NEY87987897P89. Moments later: “AJR Jr. representing AJR.”
I remained silent. If not a merry prankster, this was some treacherous individual trying to feed me false scoops about the Steelers. There’s no way an NFL team could be this lax with sensitive information.
At 12:23, OKComputer wrote, “JF signing with NYJ. NH to LAC.”
“Let ‘em go,” replied FedExJr. “They could not master the subtleties of my offense. Few can.”
Using awesome journalistic skills honed during many years at the New York Times, I cracked their code and realized that these texts referred to the Justin Fields/Jets and Najee Harris/Chargers signings. But those roster moves were not yet public knowledge. When the news of those transactions broke a few hours later, I realized that I had really been added to a Steelers group chat!
The discourse on the chat was non-notable for the next 24 hours. This was Steelers free agency, after all. But there was some lively chatter on Tuesday, March 10th, starting at 2:17 PM.
OKComputer: “Moving forward with the plan to pursue AR.”
FedExJr: “Do it. I can make him the next Tannehill.”
R0000NEY87987897P89: “Now wait just a minute. How much is this gonna cost me?”
OKComputer, whom I sussed out to be Steelers general manager Omar Khan, outlined a potential compensation offer for a quarterback I presumed to be Aaron Rodgers. As negotiations are ongoing and Rodgers is an individual of global significance, I will not currently share said details. But gosh it was an awful lot of money for a cheeseball of a human who can barely even play anymore.
R0000NEY87987897P89: Cut those numbers in half and offer that to him.
OKComputer: Sir, with all due respect, a low-ball offer may cause him to publicly hem and haw for several weeks.
R0000NEY87987897P89: So what? The season doesn’t start until Sept.
OKComputer: It could be a PR nightmare. Fans are nervous after KP, JF and RW. This must look like a decisive move.
FedExJr: I agree. If we don’t strike fast, we run the risk of the NYG swooping in and acting swiftly and competently in a way that demonstrates cunning leadership and sharp football acumen.
Everyone responded to that last comment with laughing-face emojis. In fact, everyone kept responding with laughing-face emojis for six solid hours.
Then at 9:19 PM:
OKComputer: Coach? You have been awfully quiet. Yay or nay on AR?
I realized what had happened. Someone added “Mike Tanier” to the list instead of “Mike Tomlin.” A reasonable mistake, at least relative to recent standards.
A shudder ran up my spine. If I impersonated Mike Tomlin, the NFL might revoke all future credentials. Weighing in on the Rodgers decision could also impact the course of league events. Heck, I could even get Arthur Smith fired and laughed out of organized football by chiming in. Despite that last point, it was clearly the wrong thing to do.
Finally, I nervously responded:
MT: The standard is the standard.
Three anxious minutes later …
OKComputer: I knew you could cut to the heart of the matter, Coach. Do we have a consensus to continue full steam ahead on Operation Thumbs Indefinitely Up Our Asses?
FedExJr: Aye. In fact, let’s invite him to headquarters next week so we can look like the pathetic nerds who invite the cheerleader over for a study session thinking that she’ll fall in love when she sees our Star Wars Lego collection. Not that I have any idea what that looks or feels like.
R0000NEY87987897P89: I’ll break out the Super Bowl XIII commemorative Iron City mugs.
It was time for me to leave well enough alone by quietly exiting the chat before anyone realized their mistake.
Deep down, however, I wish I had advised them to just call Ben Roethlisberger and ask him if he kept in shape instead.
That thread is a demonstration of the deep and thoughtful personnel co-ordination between senior front office staff.
This is all too funny and too real. The farther you get up some foodchains, the more you realize upper management really doesn't know what they are doing.
Keep on keeping up the standards!!