"NFL owners are the sorts of people who would bid enough money to fund a hospital at an auction for the right to eat the last breeding pair of an endangered species, then slather the roasted dodos in ketchup."
This is why I pay for this Substack. It's Ray Ratto-esque (which is a high compliment).
As a Dodgers fan in the early 2000s, the comments on DePodesta really made me laugh. What’s amazing is that he was a-not-very-good baseball GM who was able to convince the Browns that he would be better in a sport he had no experience in
Did he convince the Browns (which implies at least one football guy) or the Haslams? As we have seen, the Haslams judgement is not exactly state of the art.
And of course left unsaid is that the Browns had a perfectly adequate quarterback already; Baker Mayfield may not be great, but he’s certainly better than what they got out of Watson.
Which begs the question of would Mayfield have turned into a competent NFL caliber QB if he had stayed in Cleveland? Or did he need his journey to get him there?
As a lifelong Browns fan, this makes me even sadder. This was clearly the make-or-break year: Watson was out of excuses and the core (Garrett, Ward, Bitonio, Conklin) were at or a little past their prime. By the time the franchise recovers from this Garrett will be in the Hall and the rest of those guys will be doing memorabilia shows.
NFL owners are very, very loyal to each other. So imo the most likely outcome of Stefanski rebelling against Haslam would be his being forced back into the college ranks, having to settle for some semi-plum college head coaching job.
"He turned on his last owner. Since I make the very occasional mistake myself, he could turn on me next!"
Legal-consequence free? Sorry, but we don't put men in prison for propositioning women, no matter the circumstances. If you're hired to give a massage to a professional athlete who's going to be wearing just a towel, is it really that surprising if he asks for something more? I'm sure they were shocked, shocked by his requests. He's never been shown to have forced anyone to do anything. At worst, his requests were sleazy. Nothing more than that.
"If you're hired to give a massage to a professional athlete who's going to be wearing just a towel, is it really that surprising if he asks for something more?"
... yes. Very much so.
Also, "propositioning" is a very gentle word to use for someone who has now been accused by two dozen women of doing things like grabbing their hands and pulling them towards his penis and/or anus.
Agree with most everything here. The Browns converting Watson’s salary to free up cap space prior to the season was an obvious unforced error to everyone except their “brain” trust.
However: Mike, you’re wrong about the Moneyball movie.
If you went into the season assuming that Watson was going to suck and the offense would be awful then yes that cap move was bad. But the assumption had to be that a healthy Watson was going to be a functional NFL QB and the team would therefore be competitive. Then it was worth it. And if you are Berry, what choice do you have? Go to Haslam in August and say “we’re going to suck for the rest of the term of Watson’s deal so we should get into damage control mode now”? Does he even last to the end of the day if he says that?
I mean, that’s why they’re a dysfunctional mess though. The best teams recognize a ($250 million) sunk cost and adjust accordingly instead of tripling down. Doing something because you have to appease your dumbass owner doesn’t seem like a great football move! And if you thought Watson would actually be good this year idk what to tell ya.
The only worthwhile extension would be to extend him for another 50 years, write off the roster spot for a minimum cap hit per annum and let him smoke a pipe on the bench until he’s 80
"NFL owners are the sorts of people who would bid enough money to fund a hospital at an auction for the right to eat the last breeding pair of an endangered species, then slather the roasted dodos in ketchup."
This is why I pay for this Substack. It's Ray Ratto-esque (which is a high compliment).
You should write (under a pseudonym) a ranking of NFL owners from most to least shady.
Though I think it'd be harder than any power ranking...
This is an outstanding idea.
As a Dodgers fan in the early 2000s, the comments on DePodesta really made me laugh. What’s amazing is that he was a-not-very-good baseball GM who was able to convince the Browns that he would be better in a sport he had no experience in
Did he convince the Browns (which implies at least one football guy) or the Haslams? As we have seen, the Haslams judgement is not exactly state of the art.
And of course left unsaid is that the Browns had a perfectly adequate quarterback already; Baker Mayfield may not be great, but he’s certainly better than what they got out of Watson.
Which begs the question of would Mayfield have turned into a competent NFL caliber QB if he had stayed in Cleveland? Or did he need his journey to get him there?
Watson would escape the Robert Mitchum chain gang but he'd be handcuffed to Aaron Rodgers.
As a lifelong Browns fan, this makes me even sadder. This was clearly the make-or-break year: Watson was out of excuses and the core (Garrett, Ward, Bitonio, Conklin) were at or a little past their prime. By the time the franchise recovers from this Garrett will be in the Hall and the rest of those guys will be doing memorabilia shows.
I love it that "Factory of Sadness" is enshrined in the lexicon.
Every sports fan knows EXACTLY what that is.
NFL owners are very, very loyal to each other. So imo the most likely outcome of Stefanski rebelling against Haslam would be his being forced back into the college ranks, having to settle for some semi-plum college head coaching job.
"He turned on his last owner. Since I make the very occasional mistake myself, he could turn on me next!"
Poor Dee Haslem.
“What happened to her?”
“Eh, she started shrieking.”
Legal-consequence free? Sorry, but we don't put men in prison for propositioning women, no matter the circumstances. If you're hired to give a massage to a professional athlete who's going to be wearing just a towel, is it really that surprising if he asks for something more? I'm sure they were shocked, shocked by his requests. He's never been shown to have forced anyone to do anything. At worst, his requests were sleazy. Nothing more than that.
"If you're hired to give a massage to a professional athlete who's going to be wearing just a towel, is it really that surprising if he asks for something more?"
... yes. Very much so.
Also, "propositioning" is a very gentle word to use for someone who has now been accused by two dozen women of doing things like grabbing their hands and pulling them towards his penis and/or anus.
Using this logic a female doctor shouldn't be surprised if her patient asks for a blowjob.
Wow -- Mr. Tanier really emptied out the clip of the chopper on the Browns front office... (Remember the "bike-by" scene in "New Jack City?")
Anal lytics is not sports! Yes I know Mike made a lot of Bones with Schatz. Mike is an artist not a statisci
Dont get me started on Silver.
“The model”
Sorry drunk and butt dialed send.
“The election is a toss up”
Brilliant
A team in or near the top 5 Dvoa will win the Sb.
Im all in
All I'm hearing from this is that Watson will incinerate the Eagles this weekend.
It’s a real “stoppable force versus moveable object” game, for sure.
Nothing can be unfair to Simmons.
Agree with most everything here. The Browns converting Watson’s salary to free up cap space prior to the season was an obvious unforced error to everyone except their “brain” trust.
However: Mike, you’re wrong about the Moneyball movie.
If you went into the season assuming that Watson was going to suck and the offense would be awful then yes that cap move was bad. But the assumption had to be that a healthy Watson was going to be a functional NFL QB and the team would therefore be competitive. Then it was worth it. And if you are Berry, what choice do you have? Go to Haslam in August and say “we’re going to suck for the rest of the term of Watson’s deal so we should get into damage control mode now”? Does he even last to the end of the day if he says that?
Nope. He most surely doesn't.
I mean, that’s why they’re a dysfunctional mess though. The best teams recognize a ($250 million) sunk cost and adjust accordingly instead of tripling down. Doing something because you have to appease your dumbass owner doesn’t seem like a great football move! And if you thought Watson would actually be good this year idk what to tell ya.
"doing things to appease your dumbass owner" could literally be the job description for the vast majority of employees in our fair country of the USA.
GMs who flip the bird at the owner get to explore their career options outside of football.
The only worthwhile extension would be to extend him for another 50 years, write off the roster spot for a minimum cap hit per annum and let him smoke a pipe on the bench until he’s 80
Moneyball >> Draft Day